


Give Your Heart a Break

by Tanagariel



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Clexa, Depression, Drama & Romance, F/F, Medical Procedures, Sexual Content, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2015-10-01
Packaged: 2018-04-17 11:14:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 34,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4664496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tanagariel/pseuds/Tanagariel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke Griffin, MD. Amazing human and pediatric surgeon extraordinaire suffers the loss of a very dear patient, which rattles her to the core. To seek solace she travels to the coastal town of Polis where she spent all her summers when she was a child and the place where she made incredible friendships and memories.</p><p>Years later Clarke will find that the place has not changed at all, the same kind people will be there to receive her with open arms, well, not everyone. The girl who was her nemesis has become a gorgeous woman, a woman who is as haunted as her, who cannot deal with the loss of a dear one. It is in this moment when Clarke realizes that maybe coming back to Polis was not just to heal her own heart but to give that woman's heart a break.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Give Your Heart a Break
> 
> 'Cause you've been hurt before  
> I can see it in your eyes  
> You try to smile it away, some things you can't disguise  
> Don't wanna break your heart  
> Baby, I can ease the ache, the ache  
> So let me give your heart a break, your heart a break  
> Let me give your heart a break, your heart a break
> 
> Demi Lovato
> 
> This song fit perfectly this story so it made sense to use it as the title for this fic.

BEEP  BEEP  BEEP

The sound of the the heart rate monitor was steady, her hands were secure on her surgical tools, she was finishing the sutures inside her patient’s heart. Looking at the heart rate monitor Clarke Griffin, pediatric surgeon of TonDC Hospital, checked the vitals of Tris, a 7 year old girl who needed surgical intervention so she could have an active life like any healthy kid. Clarke had been taking care of Tris since she was a newborn. Clarke had handled all the kid’s cardiac issues. Today, Clarke hoped this surgery was the final one in the string of the difficult surgeries Tris had endured. Clarke had this under control, or so she thought.

 

“Alright, pressure is good. Almost done here.” Clarke pulled the suture keeping her blue eyes on the beating muscle.

“So watcha gonna do about Finn, Clarke?” Octavia Blake was an incredible nurse and Clarke’s friend since they began working at this hospital. The nurse kept passing the surgical tools whenever Clarke needed them, assisting every time Clarke performed a surgery. They were a great team.

“Nothing. Finn is nice and fun, but you know how he is with the nurses. He enjoys his popularity a bit too much.” Clarke replied rolling her eyes.

“I’m not saying marry him Clarke. You’ve been too involved in work, I mean a little bit of action wouldn’t hurt, and it’s pretty clear he has the hots for you.” Octavia’s eyes crinkled, which meant she was smiling, but her blue surgical mask hid it.

“Yeah that’s true. But I don’t intend to jump Dr. Collins’ bones anytime soon.”

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

“BP is dropping!” Octavia read the monitor.

“I need suction!” Clarke removed the blood-soaked gauze trying to find the bleeder. “More suction! I can’t see!” Clarke was desperately trying to find the source of the blood pouring out of the patient’s chest.

“Systolic is down to 80.” Octavia kept trying her best to keep the thoracic cavity clear for Clarke, but the surgeon was having issues battling the sea of blood. “Shit! Found it!” Clarke looked at the aorta.  If she used a clamp chances were that it would probably rupture, and a suture might not hold.

“Patient is crashing!”

“I need clamps!” Clarke made her decision and hoped for the best. However, conditions were dire.

“Come on Tris!” Clarke worked as fast as she could, however, the vitals kept dropping. “I need a crash cart!”

“Hang in there Tris!” Clarke took the internal paddles in an attempt to stop the erratic beating of the heart, and return it to a normal rhythm. “CLEAR!”

THUMP

“Not responding!” Octavia announced.

“Again!” Clarke give it another shock to the erratically beating heart of the girl. “Damn it!”

“There’s more bleeding!”

“Where is this coming from? Page Cardio! I need Dr. Griffin here right away!” Clarke took a look and with her gloved hand she explored the heart of the girl, “shit!”

When Abby arrived to assist her daughter it was already too late.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

\--------

Clarke was in her office painting to eliminate all of her hurt, this was her way of coping, using colors to erase the darkness that seethed in her heart, eyes red and puffy from uncontrollably crying. She couldn’t save the girl. And after failing the surgery she had to face the hopeful mother, and break the news that she lost the child.

It had been a heartbreaking scene. Tris, an only child, had suffered an endless number of surgeries since birth.  She had overcome so much, and this surgery was possibly her last one, and would have allowed her to live a healthier and normal life.  Clarke had basically performed a miracle saving Tris when she was a baby, and Clarke had loved Tris as if she were her own. She loved her patients, and a bit of her heart died today with Tris.  Death was again laughing in her face. She couldn’t save them all, the young surgeon recognized that, however, Clarke had kept newborns and small children from Death’s grasp so many times. Children whose lives were not meant to extend beyond a couple of months, but Clarke Griffin often beat the odds and flipped the middle finger to Death allowing these children to live.

Not today.

 

A knock on the door announced unwanted visitors. “Go away!” Clarke growled in anger, she threw the brush she was using on the floor and sank into the couch in her office.

“Clarke, you did the best you could.” Octavia came inside the office with a cup of coffee, she noticed the new canvas on the easel, the fury of the strokes was a sign of Clarke’s current emotional state: blame. Octavia offered the cup to her friend. “No one anticipated that complication, and you did everything in your power to save her so please don’t blame yourself.” Octavia sat in the empty spot beside Clarke, resting her hand on her friend’s back and rubbing soothing circles.

Clarke played with the cup in her hands, her saddened heart couldn’t see beyond her failure. “I told Tris that I had this. I assured her that she was going to be fine, O. I let her down.”

“You’ve saved so many kids already by performing surgeries that many deemed impossible. But you’re not God, Clarke. You can’t save them all.”

Clarke looked down, she felt destroyed. A relatively simple surgery began well, and then everything went to hell. “Seven years taking care of her.  Seven years - one of my first patients at the hospital.  All I wanted for her was a happy life, a life like any other kid - to grow up and fall in love.  Now Tris is gone.”

Octavia pulled Clarke to her so the blonde rested her head on her shoulder. “Tris lived way longer than what any other surgeon could have predicted, you gave her a chance Clarke, don’t punish yourself when you extended her life beyond any expectations.”

 

Clarke closed her eyes one minute, trying to find the calm to face her failure, she opened her eyes again. “I can’t deal with this now, O.”

“You work hard Clarke, I get it. Everyone gets it. Tris had been your patient since the day she came into this world.” Octavia tilted her head, narrowing her eyes while in thought, then she snapped her fingers as if she had a great idea. “Why don’t you go to Polis? You need time for yourself, to put yourself back together Clarke. Right now you’re in no condition to operate so why not rest in that place you have told me about so many times?”

“Polis? Jesus O. I have not gone there in years. Since I was a teen, after my dad… well you know.”

“Yes, but you told me that your mom has someone who takes care of your property there. It’s the perfect setting Clarke. To clear your mind and maybe discover what made you love that town.”

Clarke remained thoughtful, Polis was a place dear to her heart because every summer she spent there had been fun and magical. Except for a certain girl who was a stuck up bitch with her. “I guess I can call Jackson, who’s in charge of our house, and let him know that I’ll be spending time there.”

“That sounds good. Vacation is exactly what you need. You’ve been working in this hospital nonstop Dr. Griffin, you deserve it. ”

Clarke closed her eyes, she was exhausted. Weeks of preparation, of studying, reading and taking notes to give Tris the life she deserved, and instead she took that life away. Tris wasn’t going back to school, she wouldn’t smile or laugh or play with her friends - not anymore -  because Clarke failed her.

“I’ll speak to Chief Kane about it.”

Octavia smiled kindly to the blonde doctor, “you care so much for each of your patients, that’s what makes you such a great doctor, Clarke. But I think it’s time you take care of yourself, okay?”

Clarke nodded. “I’ll try.”

\-------

The trip to Polis had taken some time, Clarke had no idea how long she was going to stay in the coastal town, she simply informed her Chief of Surgery, Marcus Kane, that she was taking two weeks off, but she still wasn’t sure if she could pull herself back together in two weeks. Her mother, Dr. Abby Griffin, Chief of Cardio had told her that she could stay in the vacation house as long as she needed, that Jackson had everything ready for her arrival, and so Clarke packed her bags and drove all the way to the faraway place.

 

Clarke took the highway and drove for one hour and thirty minutes, her mind couldn’t focus on anything other than the surgery.  She replayed it over and over again in her mind, every cut, every suture, the endless blood pouring out of Tris’s chest, evaluating whether she used the right equipment, reliving every detail trying to determine what she did wrong. Finally, she spotted the POLIS sign. She exited the highway and drove onto a narrower road, covered in a thick forest and silence.  After another 20 minutes she finally reached the entrance of the town. Polis was a coastal town surrounded by the most gorgeous beach, clear blue waters that matched her eyes and the greenery of dense woods. The people of the town dedicated themselves mostly to hunting and fishing, it was like going back in time to a place where nature was predominant instead of buildings and roads of concrete. Last time Clarke had been here was when she was a teen, she was 17 when her father, Jake Griffin, died during a fishing trip.  He drowned when the storm caught his boat, The Ark, in the middle of the ocean. Jake died along with Marcus Kane’s wife, Callie, and the rest of the crew members.

It took some time for Clarke to move past that pain, she loved her father, but she finally accepted that he was never going to come back. The only memento she had left was a watch she wore on her right hand since she was a lefty.  Jake’s wish had always been to be buried in his beloved Polis.  Abby and Clarke left immediately after Jake’s burial, and never returned to Polis.

Clarke passed several houses and the small plaza of the town.  The town struck her as basically the same, no real visible growth, and the plaza still housed quaint, independent shops rather than chain stores.  Then she reached a dirt road, turned right, and followed it until she came to a small hill that led to the beach where she finally reached her house. The imposing sea was right behind her backyard, and she had a back exit that allowed her immediate access to the beach. This property was a wedding gift her grandparents gave to her mom and dad and the Griffin’s had owned the property ever since.

 

Clarke parked the car, and as soon as she put a foot on the place memories flooded back. She remembered when she used to run from the park to her house in the morning after playing pirates with some of the local kids - the Woods’.  The Woods’ family was huge, and when she came every summer she would play with some of them.  Clarke also befriended the daughter of the owner of the local car workshop, Raven, a latina girl with a very explosive personality. Of the Woods, Anya was pretty rad to hang out with, also with little Lincoln. If Clarke remembered correctly, Anya was tall and slender and oh so pretty, her highborne cheeks were ridiculously outstanding, and her brown eyes were deep and interesting. Lincoln was a small, skinny boy with dark skin and brown eyes, he was such a sweet boy.  But then there was the girl who was grumpy all the time.

“Alexandria,” Clarke recalled.

The blonde had been closer to Anya who was 14 when she was just 9 during her first summer ever in Polis. Raven was 11, Lincoln was 12 and Lexa as they would call her, was 10. Clarke recalled the full baby fat cheeks of the grumpy Woods girl, and her round green orbs burning her with her stare. She never understood what she did to that girl for her to be such a bitch when they were kids. Clarke had a good relationship with all of them except with the youngest of the Woods.

 

“Welcome back Clarke.”

The masculine voice brought her back to the present. Clarke turned around to see on the porch of the house the man who had been taking care of the property and a good friend of the family. “Hey Jackson, it’s so good to see you.” The man with an olive complexion and dark hair came to greet her. He hugged her warmly. “It’s been a long time, look at you, the last time I saw you, you were just a young girl and now you’re a doctor.”

“Yeah, 15 long years.”

“Let me give you a hand with your bags.” The slender man went to the car and picked up the bags. “I’m really happy to see you back in town. As you can see not much has changed. The locals keep their business as usual by hunting and fishing, the kids go play at the beach, and the adults go to the bar to have fun.”

“I see. So I assume the Reyes’ carshop is still in business? Cos I need to check the engine of my car.”

“Yes, the older Reyes died but the daughter took charge of the business.”

“Oh, yes Raven. I’m glad for her.”

 

Jackson opened the door for her and Clarke gasped, more memories came rushing back.  The dinners she had with her parents, the BBQ’s during the 4th of July, her antics playing hide and seek when she was a child and when she played spin the bottle with the Woods’ and Raven, and how can she forget the worst 7 minutes of her life with Alexandria Woods in that damn closet while playing 7 minutes in heaven when she was 16. It was all so vivid to her, the darkness and the enclosed space.

\--------

_The brunette tightened her jaw and sat as far away from the blonde while Clarke tried to make sense of her stupid hatred for her. The closet was pretty small, their arms brushed a bit, there was nowhere to go. They were trapped._

_“What is your problem really Lexa?”_

_“I don’t want to talk to you Clarke.”_

_“I have done nothing but to try to be your friend since I came here, I get along with your cousins better than with you. Why are you like this?”_

_Lexa faced her, her eyes heavy. “I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t like your attitude and you’re annoying.”_

_“Are you two already making out?” Raven had asked outside of the closet._

_“Fuck off Raven! I’m going to murder her before I dare touch the lips of the bitch!” Clarke spat, she crossed her arms and eyed her nemesis._

_Lexa chuckled, “Trust me I wouldn’t dare touch you either, Clarke.”_

_The brunette's gaze was firm on hers, her expression hard to read and yet, there was something about the way Lexa looked at her, then she turned around ignoring Clarke for the rest of their allotted time._

\--------

Clarke giggled, she really had made unforgettable memories in this place.

“I’ll leave your bags here since it's up to you to decide what room you want to stay in.”

Jackson left her bags on the couch. “You have some food in stock, but I guess you can buy the rest of the things you’ll need when you get more comfy here.”

“Thanks Jackson, I can take care of the rest, you have been very kind.” Clarke escorted Jackson out of the house, and then explored the place that once gave her joy and peace.

The kitchen wasn’t too big but had everything from a stove to a microwave and fridge. The living room was spacious, and the floor-to-ceiling windows gave her a magnificent view of the beach if she opened the curtains. In the back of the house was the master bedroom that had a sliding door that led out to the beach.  And to the left of the main bedroom was the old bedroom that Clarke occupied when she was a kid which was much smaller and had one window, but she remembered all the sleepovers she had with Raven and Anya in there. The restroom was to the right of the master bedroom and had more natural light due to the skylight, the design was minimalist but eco-friendly. Clarke couldn’t believe that this place had been left alone for 15 years, if it wasn’t for Jackson’s upkeep, the Griffin household could be a ghost house by now.

 

Clarke chose to stay in the master bedroom since there was space to install a small office.  Even on vacation she had to check some work stuff.  Plus she loved the ocean view that the room offered, the sliding door gave her quick access to the beach anytime, and the morning view had to be the most amazing so Clarke wanted enjoy it all, and in the process maybe she could forget that a little girl with such a bright future died because she wasn’t quick enough.

Once she had unpacked everything she sat at the desk and opened her laptop, she activated the wifi thankful that Jackson had the router all set up and initiated a Skype vidcall with Octavia.

“Hey Princess, how was the trip?” Octavia wore blue scrubs and was sipping from a foam cup, probably coffee. She was in the hospital coffee room while taking her break.

“It was long but I made it just fine.” Clarke had changed into comfortable jeans and a grey long sleeve cotton shirt, her hair was now in a messy bun, and she felt at ease being away from the hospital environment. “I think this place is really going to help me relax and heal. You were right O.”

“Of course I was.” The nurse winked.

“I spent so many summers here Octavia, it’s pretty crazy that I’m back again.”

“Yeah I know. All the crazy stories of your adventures with your psycho buddies have kept me awake during the night shift on several occasions.” Octavia laughed just thinking about silly Clarke playing hunters or pirates at the beach.

“I hope you can come and join me. I have a spare bedroom so if you can arrange a short trip during the weekend that would make this time away better.”

“Really? Sounds good to me. You chill tonight and call me tomorrow when you’re fully rested Griff.”

“Yeah, take care O. And make sure--”

“Clarke, forget about work, I will keep an eye on your patients, okay? Sleep tight Doc.”

“Good night.” Clarke smiled, Octavia knew her so well, no wonder they have been friends for so long.

Clarke close the lid of her laptop, and went to the closet of her old room to take out her painting materials. She realized that Jackson had no knowledge of her hobbies when she saw that she had few supplies. She needed to restock certain items to start working on her art. Painting and sketching could help her ease the pain a little bit. She went to the living room and called Jackson on the phone. “Hey I was wondering if there is any place where I can get art supplies. Aha, right. Yeah I remember. What is the name again? _Woodstock Supplies_ , got it. Thanks Jackson.” Clarke closed the phone and took her car keys to head to the supply store for art materials.

\--------

Clarke drove all the way back to the town plaza where most businesses were located. She drove until she noticed the garage, _Zero G Carshop_. She had to check her car so she might as well use the afternoon to do that and make sure her car was not going to breakdown and leave her stranded. Clarke stopped the engine and got out of the car.

“Hello?” Clarke walked inside the wide space, the smell of oil permeating the air, there was grease and oil on the concrete probably from previous car repairs.

“Yeah, what can I do for you?” A girl with brown skin and obsidian eyes came out cleaning her hands with a towel, she was wearing  jeans covered in oil and grease stains along with a black top. Her hair up in a high ponytail.

“Hi, I uh, I think my car needs to be checked, some noise from the engine.”

“Sure thing.” The girl eyed her with curious eyes. “You’re not from around here, you on vacation?” The girl hung the towel and opened the hood of the car.

“Yes, on vacation. I used to come here every summer when I was a child.” Clarke eyed the woman pulling cables and looking around the engine.

“Really?” that caught the interest of the mechanic. She got out of the hood and looked again at the blonde paying attention. “Holy fuck! Clarke?”

Clarke grinned. “Doctor Griffin, but yeah, sometimes people call me Clarke.”

“Oh my fucking god, it’s really you!”

“Hello Raven, it’s been a while.”

Raven embraced Clarke but she remembered that she was all dirty and pulled away quickly. “Whoops, sorry about your shirt, hope it wasn’t fancy Doctor Griffin.” Raven smirked while she returned to her task. “Turn on the engine please.”

Clarke jumped on the car and kick started the machine.

“Hmm, hit the gas a bit.”

Clarke did as instructed.

“Aha! There we go. It’s the cam shaft belt. Just gotta replace it, no biggie. I can do it. You can turn off the car.”

Raven closed the hood and went to wash her hands. “So what brings you back here Clarke? It’s been really so many years since you last came, we were teens fooling around, having so much fun every friggin summer. I thought I was never going to see you again.” Raven picked up the towel again to dry her hands.

“Yeah, I thought the same but things happened at work, and this place is as far away as I can be from DC.” Clarke put her hands inside her jeans, her voice broke slightly, her chest was in pain visualizing the pale face of Tris, her lifeless body as Clarke closed her chest in preparation for the mother’s visit since that was the least she could do. She was the reason Tris was dead.

“Oh, well I’m glad you’re here. Man, Anya is going to go insane and Linc.” Raven was very excited.

“I hope so. Anyway I gotta go and do some errands, can I bring the car tomorrow morning?” Clarke asked.

“Of course, no problem.”

“Great, then I’ll be back tomorrow. It was so nice to see you again Raven.”

“Yeah, same here Clarke. Welcome back.”

 

Clarke waved goodbye to the mechanic and kept driving to the plaza. There, she parked and walked to _Woodstock Supplies_. The sun was already setting, Clarke thought about buying some wine on the way back and then sitting on the small terrace of the house to watch the sunset. She really missed this place, and the people of Polis were so warm and kind.

Clarke walked to the entrance and pushed open the door of the store, the wind chimes rang announcing her presence. The store had lots of items from basic tools, to home and garden supplies and of course, art supplies. “Bingo!” Clarke walked to the counter and bowed a bit to take a closer look at the available materials.

“May I help you?”

A shiver ran down her spine. That voice was pretty familiar, a voice that the last time she heard was condescending. This time, however, there was no inflection, and it was void of emotion.

Clarke stood up straight, turned around slowly and met the woman who had been her childhood nemesis without reason. Clarke kept staring at her, the face was the same basically, no baby fat on the cheeks anymore though. Her cheeks had a regal look that reminded her of Anya, but with fuller lips and a chiseled jaw. A slim fit body that filled out those black jeans perfectly and smooth tanned skin covered by a black tribal tattoo on her right arm. But what called Clarke’s attention were the green orbs staring back at her, eyes so dead, so haunted. She recognized that look, she had seen it many times in the hospital. Eyes so empty.

“Uh yes. I uh, I would like to buy some art materials.”

 

Lexa kept silent observing Clarke, trying to figure out what was so mundane about this customer. “Very well.” The woman walked behind the counter. “Are you looking for something specific? Oil? Acrylic? Charcoal?” Lexa looked at her with the usual dryness that characterized the girl she knew so many years ago.  Lexa studied her by the way her jade eyes moved over her body, there was some defensiveness in the way she stood up, after all, Clarke appeared to be a stranger in a town so small that most people knew one another. And then Clarke noticed the tiny flicker of recognition in her eyes.

“Yes um, charcoal and a sketchbook of 50-60 lb. please.” Clarke eyed the woman carefully. Her chestnut hair was braided in an intricate way, the rest of her curls fell way below her shoulders. It seemed that Alexandria Woods grew up a bit more since she last spent time with her, now she was at least 2 inches taller than Clarke. However, what Clarke distinguished the most was how gorgeous Lexa was. Not that the girl was less than pretty, Lexa had always been eye candy, but damn, the years looked good on her. The scrawny girl who was such a stuck up bitch with her had become a very attractive woman, Clarke couldn’t peel her eyes off of her.

The brunette picked all the materials requested. “Anything else…. Clarke?”

There it was, she recognized her and the way her name fell from Lexa’s mouth sounded pretty sensuous, or that’s what Clarke perceived.

“No, that would be all Lexa.”

The tension between the two women was clearly there, just like the old times. Lexa always had been characterized by being like the calm before the storm. A silent rage threatening to spill from the depths of her soul. Of all the Woods’ Lexa was the one who kept to herself the most, and yet Clarke saw beyond her stoic facade and always knew she was a smart, caring girl, intensely protective of her family, and Clarke respected her, even when they never got along. But the Lexa she observed now was not the strong, fierce girl she had met, there was something else going on with her. She had wanted to befriend her but Lexa never gave her the chance back then, maybe 15 years later they could change that, or at least Clarke hoped so.

 

Lexa pressed several buttons on the cash register. “$26.99”

Clarke took her credit card from her purse and swiped the card on the reader to pay. She waited until her receipt was printed, and the woman in front of her packed her items in a bag.

“Here is your receipt. Thank you.” Lexa said coldly, she offered the bag and Clarke grabbed it, she was ready to go.  But that urge to push Lexa’s buttons suddenly came alive. “So that’s it? Thanks? No hello Clarke I know I was a bitch to you but I am very excited to see you again?”

Lexa lowered her gaze, eyes over the golden ring she wore on her left hand, a small curve of her lips draw on her face before coming back with a snarky remark. “Sorry to tell you but seeing you again is not that exciting Clarke. You shouldn't have come back.”

“Okay, I was wrong you’re still the same asshole Lexa. But I’m happy to see you, even if you don’t believe me. Thanks.” Clarke thanked her dryly and started to leave. She had no idea why she was so interested in being friends with someone who couldn’t care less about her, even after all this time Clarke hoped their reunion would be more friendly. Right when Clarke was about to go another voice that Clarke recognized made her stop and turn around.

 

“Hey Lex, we’re going to the bar later if you want to… Fuck me in the ass, it's true!”

Clarke faced the taller blonde woman, clearly the years were good to her, a more mature woman, with hips and slender curves that were appealing to the view.

“Raven was not lying it’s really you!”

“Hey Anya.” Clarke lips curved widely in a huge smile.

“Clarke fucking Griffin. Wildest girl I’ve ever met. You’re back! And woah you haven’t grown much.” Anya went to greet the blonde with a hug and took a step back to look at her. “Well except for your boobs, hot damn Clarke! Nice!”

“Oh fuck off Anya! It’s good to see you haven’t lost your dirty sense of humor.” Clarke joked with that familiarity of her childhood days. She always got along best with Anya.

“Man, I bet whoever you’re with right now is enjoying those two puppies thoroughly.” The taller blonde laughed heartily while Lexa hid her face. “Look at you, here you are, this needs clearly a celebration. Want to join me and this loser for a drink?” Anya pulled Lexa in a sisterly embrace.

“No thanks, I really don’t want to be a bother in your plans and I’m kinda tired of driving so I’d rather rest today.”

“Aw, you’re not a bother at all Clarke, you’re a very close friend. So how long are you staying around?” Anya kept smiling while Lexa kept her stern face in place.

“Thanks Anya. I’ll be taking off two weeks from work.”

“So you’re leaving again.” Lexa frowned which surprised Clarke since Lexa seemed not to care about her at all.

“Two weeks is plenty of time to catch up Lex.” Anya wiggled her eyebrows, grinning at her cousin.

“You can come to my place if you want for a drink tomorrow to chat. Remember where?”

“Of course, how can I forget Clarke? That house was lonely for so long, I am so excited to see it come back to life.”

“You can come if you want to, Alexandria.” Clarke used the name of the woman trying to keep at least their interactions polite.

“I’ve got work to do. Excuse me.” Lexa turned around and went to the storage room disappearing from the conversation.

 

Clarke sighed. “I guess things never change. Your cousin still hates me huh?”

Anya chuckled, “No, she never hated you Clarke. It was the other way around actually...” Anya took a deep breath and lowered her voice. “I know that Lexa seems pretty bitchy but life has been unfair to her. Lexa ehm, she lost her wife almost a year ago, and no matter what we tried or what we did Lexa shut everyone out. It hit her pretty hard, and I don’t know what else to do to force her out of that darkness she has been living ever since. Be patient with her, okay?”

“Oh god, I had no idea. I’m so sorry to hear that Anya. Fuck, I was pretty rude just moments ago with her and- Woah, wait what? Wife?”

“Seriously Clarke? Lexa was seriously into you from the moment she met you, dumbass. And Raven says you're a doctor?” Anya laughed heartily.

“I AM a doctor! And no, Lexa hated me Anya. We all played spin the bottle and did our fair share of kissing when bored, so I didn’t think it was a big deal, never did. Kissing boys or girls, it was the same for me. I never thought that Lexa was the type to get married, that’s what I meant!”

“Oh! Oh yeah, she is. Lexa had been very happy. It hurts me to see her broken now but she keeps pushing me and Lincoln away, even aunt Indra has tried to help. Anyway that’s not something that you should be burdened with, let’s focus on more positive stuff like your return Clarke. I’ll call Linc and we can meet tomorrow night at your place with Raven. Sounds good?”

“Yup, sounds perfect.”

\--------

Clarke made one stop at the grocery store to get beer and a bottle of wine, and then she drove back to the house consumed with a conflicting whirlwind of emotions over the day’s events.

She left her art supplies on her desk and in a glass she poured the wine, she opened the door that led out to the beach and arranged a small chair and table where she could enjoy the sunset from the comfort of the house. The beautiful image was worth painting, Clarke thought.

The red and yellow, the orange and the white, the ocean blue with its rhythm in and out the shore, the sand mixing with the salt water. It was peaceful and breathtaking.

 

Clarke thought also about what Anya had told her. Lexa had married a woman. She never questioned anyone’s sexuality, she was into boys and girls and that was it. Lexa on the other hand never showed interest in anyone as far as Clarke knew during the summers she spent in Polis, but according to Anya, Lexa had been attracted to her when they were kids. Clarke couldn’t accept that. It couldn’t be. Lexa hated her and they barely spoke. Maybe Anya was wrong and Lexa liked Raven instead.  After all, Clarke was Raven’s close friend, maybe Lexa hated her because of that.

Clarke actually knew nothing about Lexa, she always remained elusive to her, but still it was an interesting fact that she learned about her today. Nonetheless what was more surprising was the news that said wife had died and Lexa was broken because of it.  Anya and family could do nothing for her, however, Clarke thought she could. She was a healer for a reason, the doctor in her was demanding to tend to the woman and offer her support, but how could she offer support when her own ghosts were haunting her?

 

Clarke finished her wine and decided it was enough for today. The sun vanished and the moon big glowing face reflected on the water and it was almost magical.

Clarke showered, dressed in a t-shirt and shorts and slipped into bed.

And yet, sleep never came.

 

Clarke was trying to stop the blood coming from her patient’s heart, it was a river and then it became a sea. “I can’t see! Where is the bleeder O?” Clarke was drowning in a sea of blood, the redness engulfing her, and she looked at each blood vessel trying to find the rupture but it was in vain.

“You told me it was going to be fine Doctor G.”

The girl on the operating table opened her eyes. Clarke was opened mouthed. “Tris please I tried!”

“You didn’t try hard enough, Doctor G.”

“I’m so sorry Tris. Please don’t be mad.”

“I can’t forgive you. You promised and you failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed.”

 

Clarke snapped her eyes open and sat upright on her bed. Her body was sweaty and she was breathing heavily. “Shit.” She rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand, and glanced at the clock on her night table.

3:19 am

“Goddammit.” Clarke slid off of the bed and turned on a lamp, she was asphyxiating in the dampness of the room, she needed fresh air. Clarke padded barefoot to the sliding door and went out into the openness of the beach. It was dark, the lamp offering the right amount of light to keep it clear. Clarke hugged her body and took deep slow breaths.

“It was a bad dream, nothing real.” Clarke tried to reassure herself, the nightmare too fresh in her mind. When something caught her eye. A lonely figure was running near the shore, the stranger was wearing running shorts and a black hoodie covering the runner’s facial features. Clarke took a tentative step into the sand tilting her head curiously to get a better look at the night runner. The runner was at full speed when they looked up to where she was. The runner stopped and supporting their weight with their hands on their knees, they removed the hoodie.

“Lexa.”

 

 

The woman was gasping for air looking at Clarke, probably wondering what the hell she was doing awake at this time in the morning.

“I guess it makes two of us who can’t sleep.” Clarke said out loud. They locked eyes, she could feel the tiny hairs of her arms and neck raise, the reaction was weird, it made her feel a warmth in the pit of her stomach. Another minute simply staring one another like they used to do when kids. Clarke always wondered the reason behind her cold stares. Who would break contact first? Clarke wanted to reach for her, to speak with the woman standing in the sand looking so alone and apologize. The issue was that Lexa was like a lone wolf, lonely and very independent, which was the reason why Clarke was surprised that she had married. She never thought the brunette could share her life with someone. But she did, which meant that there were feelings inside of the woman, feelings to be nurtured again.

Lexa pulled the hoodie up and resumed her sprint disappearing into the darkness of the night leaving Clarke with more questions than answers.

“I gave up on being friends with you once, but not again Lexa. I will be there for you, whether

you know it or not.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

_“I can’t believe you’re doing this? Really? After I sacrificed my dreams you’re telling me that you don’t want to move to DC?”_

_“Sacrifice? What the hell Costia? I never thought it would be such a burden to stay here with me.”_

_Lexa paced the living room, the line in the middle of her eyebrows deeply marked by her constant frowning. She was agitated, angry and disconcerted._

_Costia was standing on the other side of the living room, the only thing separating the couple was a small wooden table. “I never said it was, Lexa, don’t put words in my mouth!” Costia turned away from Lexa, she crossed her arms in front of her chest. “I just want to continue our life in the city, not in this god forsaken town!” Costia angrily turned back around to meet Lexa’s gaze._

_“Why now? It has to do with that fucking Ice Queen boss of yours, huh? She has the hots for you Cos, why can’t you see that she wants us to be on DC so she can be close to you!” Lexa clenched her jaw, her nostrils flared and her anger was simmering slowly, her jealousy destroying her._

_“She has been nothing but good to me Lexa, she’s going to provide us an apartment, and we can get out of here. You can be so much more!”_

_“I have never been enough for you, have I? A businesswoman who prefers the tranquility of the beach, to hunt in the woods and stay in a quiet place. You’re a big city kind of girl, I know Cos. But we have a good life here. I supported your career in that firm, your constant travels and your late calls with that woman, so why does it have to change? I don’t want to leave Polis, this is our home! ”_

_“Why are you so opposed to the idea? DC can change our life! You can expand your business and we can make so much more money than in a coastal town.  Please.” Costia begged._

_“No, I don’t want to hear more of that crap! That bitch can look for another lawyer to do her so important work in DC, Cos.”_

_“Lexa, you know I’ve been busting my ass for this promotion! This is for our good, babe.”_

_Lexa snorted, shaking her head. “Our good? Costia don’t be naive, your boss just wants to get in your pants, or the reason you’re pushing so hard is because you already fucked her?”_

_Costia rushed to Lexa. SLAP!_

_“I love you Lexa, but you are being unreasonable right now. I would never do that to you. You don’t trust me, Lex. You never have, not completely.” Costia sobbed, the lawyer headed to the kitchen to grab her purse. “I will call my boss and tell her that I’ll consider her offer, okay?”_

_“Yes, call her and tell her that you rather spend time with her than with your wife!”_

_“Fuck Lexa, I can’t deal with you right now! I’m staying in a motel and maybe tomorrow we can have a calm adult conversation.” Costia put several items in her purse, grabbed some folders on the table and headed for the door._

_“Yes Costia, run away! Better yet, go to DC and stay with that bitch!” Lexa watched as Costia shook her head and slammed the door as she left._

 

_Lexa couldn’t sleep, she felt awful. She was being unreasonable, but why couldn’t Costia see her point? Polis was a wonderful place to live, and her wife was falling into her boss’s web. However, her love for the woman was as strong as ever, she had to fight for this relationship. She picked up her cellphone and called, however, the call went to voicemail._

_“Babe, I’m so sorry, I know it’s late but as soon as you hear this call me. I shouldn’t have shouted, please come back. We can work something out, okay? Just call me. I love you Anacostia.”_

_The call she got in return was from a hospital instead._

\---------

Lexa was sitting in her bed after having another nightmare of that ominous night, the night Costia died.

Lexa stood up in defeat, she knew that sleep was not in the cards.  Instead she put on clean running shorts, a black sports bra, running shoes, a hoodie and ran on the beach, tiring her muscles until she couldn’t run anymore. At least that’s how she got some kind of sleep since she drove Costia out of their home the night she lost Costia forever.

She ran hard on the uneven surface, the salty wind drying her lips as she ran with lungs burning. For the third day in a row, Clarke Griffin was awake as well. The lit bedroom could be seen through the glass door, and the woman was up painting on her canvas. Lexa usually ran until she came back home, but now she always made a stop in front of the Griffin household.

From where she was she could see the doctor, wearing only a t-shirt that was big enough to cover up her ass. Her luscious legs uncovered for her to see. It had been so long since Lexa had any form of intimacy with anyone, not since Costia. And Clarke had awaken desire that Lexa thought was dead along with her wife. But just thinking about getting intimate with someone again made her anxious, instead Lexa pushed her physiological needs to the side and moved on with her run.

Her life was dull, she avoided people as much as possible. Even when she went out with her cousins to the bar or to eat, she wouldn’t talk much. She felt so anxious that it was too strenuous for her, still Lexa tried because she didn’t want to worry Anya.

 

Once Lexa completed her run, she showered quickly and changed into comfortable sleepwear. Lexa reached the restroom, opened her cabinet, and looked at the tiny orange cylindrical cases.

 _Zolof, Lorazepam, Propanolol, Trazadone_ and _BusPar._ All the pills that she had been taking since she started to see her psychiatrist, Dr. Nyko, a couple of months ago after Anya begged her in tears to seek help.

After spiraling down into a heavy depression, Lexa wanted to suffer, to hurt because of what she had done to Costia.  Every weekend she went to bars in nearby towns and got into drunken fights until everything hurt, until every punch and kick she received reminded her that Costia was dead because of her. When Anya picked her up at Mount Weather’s police station after one of those fights, her strong cousin broke apart upon seeing her all bruised and bloody. At that moment Lexa decided that no one else should suffer because of her.

The meds had been helping, but she still had a long way to go. She opened the cap of the corresponding pill in the morning, poured herself a glass of water and chugged the medicine.

\--------

Polis was a small town where most inhabitants worked in the tourism area, hunting and fishing, others like her, had small businesses that provided for those hunters and fishermen. A place where everybody knew almost everyone. Lexa grew up in a big extended family, but she was an only child. Because she was a disgrace to their family name due to her sexual preferences, her parents dumped her with her aunt. The family she had left was Anya and Lincoln, the son of her aunt Indra. Then there was Raven, another person who could be considered a friend and of course, there was Clarke.

 

The first time she laid eyes on Clarke Griffin she knew she was screwed. Lexa was only 10 when she met the blonde. Clarke seemed to have a prestigious life, her parents were a doctor and an engineer so they didn’t need to hunt or fish to earn money like the rest of Polis inhabitants.  Still they were approachable, humble and caring people.

Anya, Lincoln and Raven became instant friends with the blonde, for Lexa it was clearly more difficult. She was weary of the city girl, and her ways of dealing with things. Clarke was explosive while she was implosive, Clarke was bright while she was dark. Every day with hot, sultry weather, Lexa fell deeper in love with Clarke. Clarke was so oblivious to her feelings that Lexa kept her mouth shut, and she never tried to reach for the girl, instead she kept her distance. Why even try when she knew that it was only a temporary thing?  And yet Lexa had hoped, but her stupid dreams vanished when one hot day a storm came out of nowhere. Clarke’s father died that day, and Clarke left, not caring that she was leaving all of them forever. Even in her constant bickering with Clarke she had company, but she left her all the same. Lexa thought that she was never going to see her again so she buried her feelings and moved on. And then she met Anacostia.

 

How she had loved her, Costia was a breeze of fresh air. Daughter of two lawyers who came to Polis one summer on vacation, just like Clarke. The two of them quickly bonded, and much later after both returned from college began a relationship. Costia worked in a prestigious law firm, _Azgeda Firm_ , and she was very good at what she did. Lexa finished her MBA and married her 3 years ago making a life in Polis. They had been really happy until Lexa fucked up.

 

 

The wind chimes announced a customer, Lexa was not in a mood to serve people, but there was nothing else she could do except face them. She walked out of her office to the front of the store and met Polis’s temporary visitor.

“Clarke.”

“Hi Lexa.” The blonde was dressed fairly casual today, jeans and a simple blue shirt, her blonde curls were tamed in a pigtail. She was so damn attractive and Lexa felt a pang of guilt, how could she be swooning over a woman when her wife had died no less than a year ago.

“What can I do for you?” Lexa cut to the chase, she really wanted to avoid speaking more than necessary with Clarke.

“I might need some paint supplies and a canvas. I want to try to paint the beach, I forgot how pretty it was.”

Lexa nodded. “Of course.”

She guided Clarke to where she had some materials that might be interesting to her. “Here, you can select what you need.”

“Thanks.”

Lexa was about to return to her corner when Clarke spoke again. “I wished you had come with your cousins and Raven to my place. We talked about all the things we did as kids.” Clarke shoved her thumbs in her pockets, looking through the several colors and brushes available.

“I am busy Clarke.”

“I know. Still, I missed you.” Clarke finally looked at her face.

Lexa knitted her brow slightly. “Why do you care if I went or not? We’re not friends.”

Clarke slumped a bit, her smile diminished. “But we could be. I get that we weren’t like the best buddies during our childhood but I want to be your friend.”

“If this is because Anya told you about Costia, forget it cos I don’t need your pity!” Her voice a low growl, her anger so easy to surface, Lexa took a deep breath and calmed herself down.

“No! No Lexa! I could never pity you. You’re a strong woman. You have gone through so much but you stand tall. Not like me.” Clarke smiled faintly, she took a couple of canvases, brushes, paid and hurried out of the store. Leaving Lexa wondering what on earth Clarke meant by that.

 

 

Lexa closed her store early, she wasn’t feeling well because the sadness was too overwhelming today. Instead Lexa stopped by the flower shop close to her store and bought a couple of roses.

She walked all the way back into the forest, passing through the park where she used to play pirates with her cousins, reaching the dense greenery and several meters inside the woods she reached the place that she wanted to avoid the most, yet she came here to talk as often as she could.

 

The graves were located in the glades of the forest, each headstone indicated to whom they belonged. Lexa kept moving, and when she found the right one, she stopped and dropped the flowers inside a vase.

“Hey Cos. It’s been a while. I uh, I haven’t been doing so well lately.” Lexa read the headstone _Anacostia Woods, loving wife and daughter._ Her chest squeezed in pain, her young gorgeous wife was here because she wasn’t understanding. She refused to really listen to her. “I miss you. The bed feels so cold and empty without you.” Lexa kneeled and traced the fonts carved in the headstone with her fingertips as if she was touching her. “Clarke is back. Yeah, my first crush. And I—”

Lexa turned around as a faint voice distracted her. She stood up and started to walk silently speculating who could be here. She kept moving stealthily until she caught the image of blonde hair shining as if it were the sun itself. Lexa didn’t mean to pry but she couldn’t move, at least not yet.

 

“Mom is fine, and I am so sorry we didn’t come back to see you dad. We know how much you loved this town, but for mom it is still painful.” Clarke was sitting on the soil with a sketchbook, from where she was Lexa couldn’t see what she was drawing, not that she was interested. “I forgot why we liked this place and now that I’m back, it’s like all the memories of the happy times we lived here came back to me. I’m glad I came. All my childhood friends are still here - Anya is still a jokester and Linc is so big and strong.” Clarke chuckled, “Raven is well, still Raven. And Lexa…”

Okay, this was the cue for Lexa to get the hell out of there. “Lexa changed, she’s so—”

_CRACK!_

So much for a smooth escape. Lexa stepped on a branch. The woman turned around slowly to face Clarke.

“Lexa.”

“Hey Clarke. I didn't mean to scare you or invade your privacy. I was just leaving some flowers for my wife.” Lexa started to babble. “Don’t worry, go on I uh, I’m just—”

“Lexa.”

“I was passing by and—”

“LEXA!”

Lexa shut up. She was talking too fast, and that was very unusual for her, she was almost always composed.

“It’s okay, you don’t owe me any explanation.” Clarke picked up the sketchbook she dropped in shock and walked to where the brunette was standing. “I get it.” Clarke smiled. “Flowers, I think that would have been more practical than leaving a sketch.”

“You drew for your father? That is better than flowers. I can’t do anything like that so I bought her favorites.” Lexa remembered how Costia smiled whenever she bought her flowers and curved her lips slightly.

Clarke noticed the sad smile, and without even thinking she took her hand and gave it a light squeeze. “I bet she’s happy to have them.”

Lexa felt so strange holding someone else’s hand. The human contact had been kept to a minimum after Costia died, and Lexa missed this warmth. She stared into the sky blue eyes, her heart started to beat faster, just looking into those eyes made Lexa feel trapped. She recovered her hand quickly, startling Clarke.

“Sorry.” Clarke apologized, slightly embarrassed that she didn't let go.

“I have to go.”

“Yes, of course. It was good seeing you.”

Lexa nodded and turned on her heel, she clearly was not going to work since she had already closed shop for the day. She was going back to her lonely house to stare at the ceiling, maybe hunt later if she felt like it. Her life didn’t make much sense to her anymore, there was nothing worth living for anymore. Somehow she woke up every day and managed to follow a routine, the same pattern each day. That’s how she handled life on a daily basis. It was a miracle that she had survived this long.

“Wait!”

 

Clarke called from a distance, Lexa didn’t turn around but waited. Listening to whatever the blonde had to say.

“A friend of mine is coming to Polis tomorrow, she’s staying at my place, and I would really love to introduce you.” Clarke was quick to add. “Raven, Anya and Lincoln are joining us at my house tomorrow at 8pm.”

Lexa kept silent. Seeing that she hadn’t refused yet, Clarke pushed a little bit more hoping to make the lonely woman accept. “You were all part of my childhood here. I’d really appreciate if you joined us Lexa, please.”

“Is this friend important to you?” Lexa had no need to pry in Clarke’s personal life, but she had to know who this so called friend was.

“Yes, she is. Octavia is one of my best friends, but the friendships I made here are also important to me. I know I have been a shitty friend to all of you, I didn’t dare come back, not when the pain was still fresh. Octavia came into my life and made my days brighter, she is such a dork and funny, she’s the one who suggested to me that I come back. You know? Having someone to share the pain makes it easier, Lexa. I promise.”

Lexa didn’t like much how Clarke spoke about this Octavia girl, but it was clear that the blonde cared for this person to invite her to Polis. Sharing the pain is something she never considered, she bore the guilt so no one else did for her, that’s how she thought. Clarke’s words were hopeful, and Lexa clearly needed hope in her life.

“If you insist, I’ll be there Clarke.” Lexa replied and walked back into town.

____________

Clarke was happy, this was a small victory. After talking some more with Anya when she came to her house to catch up, she learned that Lexa had completely isolated herself, the woman was a hermit. She stuck to a routine and breaking her out of that self-imposed exile has been hard for Anya and the rest of her family. It was a rarity but sometimes Lexa went out with them. Clarke told Anya that she would try to help Lexa, she could understand what was going on with Lexa – at least a little bit.  After all, she saw her every day before dawn running away from her ghosts while Clarke painted hers away.

 

The doctor returned to town as well but not before saying bye to her dad. The day was pleasant, the breeze of the ocean hit against her skin and it was cool, fresh like the ocean water. The boats navigating on the crystalline waters moved up and down, with the rhythm of the waves, making Clarke yearn from the days she sailed with her dad.

Next she went to shop for groceries with Raven who was helping her prepare everything to welcome Octavia.

Once she was done, Clarke and Raven stocked the cupboard with chocolate chip cookies, chips and popcorn. The fridge was filled with beers and ice cream. Everything was ready for a movie marathon just like in their childhood. Clarke hoped this opportunity to introduce Octavia to her childhood friends would help Lexa open up a bit, and let her befriend her.

“Okay, everything is stocked. Tomorrow we’ll be here at 8, right?” Raven closed the cupboard door and walked to the living room.

“Yep, thanks so much Raven. This is going to be fantastic. I can’t wait for O to meet you all.”

“Yeah, we’re excited to meet her too.” Raven took her red jacket from the hook and put it on. “See you tomorrow then.” Raven waved goodbye leaving Clarke alone in her house. The blonde was tired and preferred to take a nap.

 

This vacation was exhausting but reconnecting with her childhood friends was all worth it, if only she could reach Lexa, this would be a total success.

Clarke woke up alarmed, again the voice of little Tris was haunting her. She wiped the tears away from her face. Looking out to the beach Clarke could see the sun was out, when she checked her clock she realized she had only been asleep for an hour. Clarke felt trapped in these four walls. She rolled off of the bed and put on shorts and a comfy shirt, and decided to go for a walk on the beach. The fresh air might help her relax.

\-------

Clarke kept moving on the sand, the breeze coming from the coast was actually cold. She drank in the view of the architecture of the beach houses and the sound of the boats navigating the sea, it was comforting. She had really missed this place that was so close to her heart. Clarke reached the stairs that lead to the park where she met Raven and the Woods’ to play pirates.  However, in the distance she heard the cry of a small child so she hurried her steps to see what was going on.

When she reached the park she saw Lexa bleeding from her arm and thigh with a panicked expression holding in her arms a small girl, probably 4 years old. Her face showed pure horror so Clarke jogged to meet her, to give her a hand with the child, and to check on the brunette.

 

“Hey little girl.” Clarke smiled at the crying girl. “Does something hurts? I’m Doctor Clarke and I promise I can help you if you tell me what’s wrong.” Clarke looked at Lexa who was white as a sheet.

“The girl was on the swings.  She fell off, and I don’t know if I should have picked her up or not and I—”

“I got her. Calm down Lexa, let me see.” Clarke took the girl from Lexa’s arms and sat her in her lap. “Okay, I’m going to press your tummy softly, tell me if it hurts.” Clarke did a quick examination, then she checked the girl's limbs and that’s when the girl winced. “Aha! I think you might have sprained your wrist, little one. I can feel the swelling already.”

“Oh crap!” A teenager came running. “I was gone one second, I swear, just to buy her a Popsicle.   I am so sorry Charlotte.”

‘She’s okay, don’t worry. I’m Clarke, and I work as a pediatrician in DC. The girl is not in any danger, I promise. What’s your name?”

“I’m Harper, she’s my sister Charlotte. I’m so sorry Char.”

“Well Harper, Charlotte sprained her wrist, but we should probably confirm with an X-ray in case there is a ligament tear. Right now I recommend putting ice on the wrist to help with the pain and swelling and taking an anti-inflammatory to help.  Make sure you take her to the clinic.”

“Oh my gosh, thanks Doctor Clarke. I will take her right away. Sorry Char.” Harper picked up the tiny girl in her arms and walked away sobbing.

 

Clarke stood up and looked at Lexa who seemed tense. “You did nothing wrong Lexa. That girl was lucky an adult was around to help her. Now if you tell me what happened to you I might be able to help you as well.”

Lexa nodded, her eyes fearful for the child.  That was as much emotion as Clarke had witnessed from the stoic woman.

“You’re a pediatrician?”

“Yeah, pediatric surgeon.” Clarke lifted the arm to examine the wound, from the looks of it, it was pretty deep, like she got bitten by a wild animal.

“You must like children very much.” Lexa said with such sadness, facing the ocean while Clarke studied her. “My wife wanted to have kids, we were planning it before she… well, I can’t imagine myself with kids.”

Clarke offered a sincere smile. “I think you would be a great parent. You did pretty well with Charlotte there.”

Lexa lowered her eyes to the ground. “Now I’ll never know.”

“Lexa, I’m truly sorry about your wife but you still have a future, you have amazing people that love you. You will find someone who can give you that.”

Lexa chuckled, “Yeah, that’s what everyone says. I’m not so sure.” The bitterness of her words lashed at Clarke painfully.

Clarke cupped her face in her hands. “Trust me Lexa, that’s all I ask, trust my words, I would never lie to you. I promise that the pain will fade, you won't ever forget her, but it will hurt less over time.”

Lexa stared at Clarke intently, measuring what she was asking of her. “I trust you Clarke.”

“Thank you. Now we need to clean these wounds and I’m probably going to have to stitch you here.” Clarke pointed the gash in her left arm. “What were you doing anyway?”

“I was hunting. I was bored and I decided to hunt, I guess I’m rusty, the boar got pretty mad at me.”

Clarke laughed, “A boar! That’s crazy and you went by yourself because you were bored? Jesus Lexa, there are other activities that are less risky, you know?”

“Like what?”

“Look at the beach!  It’s a perfect day for swimming or if you’re so desperate for an adrenaline rush then you should go skinny-dipping.”

Lexa suddenly blushed and had to remove her face away from Clarke.

“Come on, my house is closer.  Let’s go so I can tend to your hunting wounds, oh almighty warrior.” Clarke smiled encouraging Lexa, and Lexa returned her smile shyly.

This was just what Lexa needed, someone to talk to and to have a bit of fun. Maybe not everything was lost with the brunette, maybe she only needed a friend.

Clarke understood Lexa, she had been the giver of bad news on many occasions. Most recently to Tris’ mother.

_“I am so so sorry. The surgery… a complication with her vessels and… I couldn’t… I am sorry ma’am, I am so so sorry.”_

_“No! Not my little girl! No!”_

The woman almost fell and Clarke had to hold her steady, the anguished cries tearing her soul. She failed Tris, and she failed her mother. A woman who trusted her blindly to take care of her kid, and Clarke failed.

When she said sorry, Clarke really meant it. She was not like other doctors who offered their sympathies as a courtesy. Clarke felt the loss too, and that’s why she always suffered with her patients, she gave herself to each one of those kids and babies. Which was the reason why Octavia always kept her art supply stash at the hospital full, because she couldn’t cope any other way.

Lexa had to assume that for everyone it was a simple matter of offering their respects to the woman, for Clarke it was more than that. It was the truth of her heart. No wonder Lexa was skeptical, when all the condolences she received were probably from strangers who didn’t care enough. Clarke always cared.

\--------

“Holy shit this is gorgeous!” Octavia drank in the surroundings of Polis, the travel had taken her a couple of hours, but she didn’t have any issues finding the location due to the miracles of GPS.

“Hey O, welcome!” Clarke went to meet her friend with a huge hug. Octavia embraced her friend with a big grin on her face.

“Daaaamn this place is so pretty, you should have come back here way earlier Clarke. Look at that beach.”

“Yeah, wait til tomorrow when the sun rises and you’ll marvel at its beauty during the day.” Clarke took some bags from Octavia’s trunk and guided her into the house.

“This is your room, I’m right inside that door.” Clarke pointed to her bedroom. “I’ll give you some time so you can get comfortable, my friends are coming in an hour or so. I’m gonna go to the kitchen to finish cooking, okay?”

“Gotcha, Princess. Be right there to help you.” Octavia smiled and went to unpack her stuff while Clarke returned to the kitchen to check the oven.

Clarke was finishing the brownies when the doorbell rang. “One second!” Clarke took out the tray.

“Hmm smells like heaven.” Octavia stole a brownie and threw it in her mouth. “Delicious!”

“O! Leave some for my guests.” Clarke washed her hands and dried them quickly, she strolled through the living room and opened the door widely to welcome her friends.

 

“Smells good.” Raven greeted followed by Anya, Lincoln and finally Lexa.

“You came!” Clarke smile turned bigger, her heart jumped at the sight of the brunette with her loose hair and braids hanging over her shoulder. Her black jeans fit her long legs perfectly and why was Clarke staring at her like an idiot? “Come in please.” Clarke was embarrassed and stepped aside letting the woman in.

“Well guys this is Octavia Blake, she is a nurse where I work and my best friend. O, meet Anya.”

Octavia shook Anya’s hand with excitement.

“This is Lincoln.”

Both shook hands, but Octavia was clearly checking Lincoln out by the way she was staring at him. Clarke cleared her throat, “and this is Raven.”

Raven smirked, brown eyes warm over the blue of Octavia. “Hello there. So you are the Griff’s buddy.”

“Yeah, Raven huh? I heard some stories about you.”

Raven chuckled. “What kind of stories could they be?” Octavia winked at her mischievously.

“And this is Lexa.” Clarke finally introduced her last guest.

“OH! Lexa.” Octavia giggled, “I have heard about you A LOT!”

“Octavia, zip it.” Clarke interrupted, which raised Lexa’s brow, curious about what kind of stuff Clarke said about her in DC.

“Anyway make yourself at home guys. I have beers and brownies and chips and everything in between for a movie night.”

“Sounds great.” Raven went to the couch and took her spot right away.

 

 

As the night transpired and the beers emptied, the group started to get chatty, all except for Lexa who kept silent while drinking her beer.

“Aaaaand then, Doctor Griffin just smiles awkwardly at that guy playing with his tie, all the nurses were laughing at the lack of game of Doctor Clarke.”

Raven and Anya burst in laughter, “Wao Clarke you totally suck. How can you call that flirting?”

“Yep, I made myself richer betting against the other nurses thanks to Clarkey here.” Octavia added before gulping down the rest of her beer.

“Oh come on O, it wasn’t that bad!” Clarke protested, pouting on the couch.

“Okay that was a good one, BUT I have a funnier story.” Anya chuckled rubbing her hands evilly. “Remember that night we were playing hide and seek?”

Clarke opened her eyes widely as if they were two saucers, “Oh hell no, don’t you dare!”

“Spill Anya I wanna know what happened to the Princess.” Octavia pleaded, keeping her eyes in the oldest Woods.

¨Lincoln had already found us but Clarke was nowhere, and everybody is like where the fuck is Clarke? So Raven and I went out looking for her.” Anya told O. “After looking for some time we were about to give up, however, Lexa who wasn’t playing saw her leaving the house.”

Raven started to cackle. “You see, Lexa saw Clarke walk down the beach and that moron hid in a fisherman's cabin, when we got closer we heard her pounding on the door. That idiot got stuck inside the storage where all the fish of the day were stored.¨

Lincoln started to laugh so hard that he bent holding his stomach, Anya continued, “Right, but the worst part was that she stank of fish for three straight days after we finally got her out. No one wanted to hang out with her.¨

“EEEEWWW Clarke that is so disgusting.” Octavia laughed heartily.

“Yeah thanks Anya.” Clarke crossed her arms pretty embarrassed.

“Great story.” Octavia high fived Raven. “What other stories do you have? Seems like you were pretty tight.”

“Oh yeah pretty tight, that was until we locked Clarke inside the closet with Lexa.” Raven snorted.

“Yup, she was furious with us, both of them.” Anya raised her bottle to her cousin and drank.

“That was pretty stupid of you.” Lexa clarified before finishing her beer.

“Oh come on little cousin we tried to help.” Anya added, drinking more from her bottle until she left it empty. Anya opened another bottle of beer to keep drinking.

 

 

The guests drank and chatted until Anya fell asleep on the couch, Lincoln and Octavia went out for a walk, and Raven was unconscious in Octavia´s room.

Clarke was in her room when she spotted Lexa on the beach, beer in hand, looking at the stars. The blonde opened her door and walked onto the sand.  The breeze was soft and the sound of the waves crashing on the shore could be heard in the silent night.

“It’s beautiful.” Clarke joined Lexa standing next to her. Lexa removed her gaze from the stars and stared into Clarke’s eyes. “Yes, it is.”

“I had so much fun here, with all of you, even when all we did was bicker. I missed that feeling.” Clarke focused her sight on the beach, the moon reflected its shape above the water.  It was truly a magnificent view.

“Yes, we had a lot of fights.” Lexa took a swig of her bottle, still looking at Clarke. At the curve of her neck, her blonde curls moving with the wind.

“Where did I go wrong with you? I never understood why we were fighting so much.” Clarke looked back at Lexa, and the brunette quickly changed her focus to something else.

“You were annoying Clarke.”

Clarke arched her brows. “Oh thanks. That was very um enlightening. You were a bitch to me because I annoyed you?”

Lexa smirked, which kind of surprised Clarke. “Yes, totally.” Lexa emptied her beer and left her bottle in the nearest trashcan. However, when Lexa returned she didn’t find Clarke, she found her clothes instead.

 

“Clarke what the hell are you doing?” Lexa looked into the ocean and caught the silhouette of the blonde immersing into the ocean. “Hey!” Lexa went after her. “Did you lose your mind? Get out of the water!”

Clarke had decided to annoy Lexa because she could, if that was her lame reason to act like a stuck up bitch with her so be it. “It’s pretty warm Lexa. I told you this could be fun.”

“Clarke I’m not playing, you drank booze and it's dark. Aren’t you supposed to be a doctor?  Get out now!”

Clarke noticed that Lexa was getting worked up. “Relax Lexa, I’m perfectly sober and I’m safe here. No need to get intense.”

But Lexa looked like she was about to have a panic attack. “Clarke, please get out.”

“Okay okay, I’m getting out, just breathe, slowly.” Clarke swam back to the shore, and this time Lexa was not going to have a panic attack but a stroke.

Lexa had her eyes wide open, Clarke Griffin had gone skinny-dipping. Her body glistened as drops of salt water ran down her bare body. Lexa gulped down the sudden lump in her throat, her breaths became ragged.

Clarke walked to her, noticing the way Lexa’s eyes absorbed her body. However, that didn’t offend Clarke, being looked at like that made her feel good. Clarke wasn’t really confident in her own skin, but feeling Lexa’s eyes on her boosted her ego. “So, am I annoying you?”

 

Lexa was staring at her lips, the freckle over her lips, then her eyes. She moistened her own lips feeling suddenly a dryness in her mouth. “Yes, very much.”

And then she was kissing her. Clarke never saw it coming, but she welcomed it. Lexa cupped her cheek pressing her lips over hers. Clarke let herself be dragged closer to the brunette. Clarke was really enjoying this, the pressure of plump lips over hers, the hands roaming over her wet skin, and then a tongue seeking entrance. Clarke took all of it, opening to Lexa, allowing her tongue inside of hers and kissing back with the same passion and desire. But just as it began Lexa abruptly pulled away, her expression of total confusion.

“Oh gosh I can’t. I uh, I have to go.” Lexa walked away putting as much distance between her and Clarke as she could.

Clarke wanted to stop her, but she didn’t want to cause any more trouble for the night. She needed to take a shower and go to bed. Lexa kissed her, and she kissed her back. This thing about becoming friends might have become a lot more complicated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here you go, the second installment of this story. Hope you are interested as how things are developing, until next wednesday.
> 
> Tana


	3. Chapter 3

Lexa made it home in record time. She only lived one block from Clarke, but adrenaline pumped through her veins allowing her to run much faster than usual. The stars glinting in the horizon were her guiding light so moving through the darkened streets of Polis late at night wasn’t dangerous. Especially since most people stayed at home and few visited the local bar that late at night.

Lexa was terrified of her sudden reaction to Clarke, she was a woman who calculated her every move, who took precautions but with Clarke everything seemed to fly out the window. Lexa reached her house and curled up in bed.  The room started to spin, and she felt like she was going to throw up.  Lexa couldn’t catch her breath, and her heart was pounding as if it was going to rip out of her chest.  She needed her medication, but she couldn’t move. She could reach her cellphone in her pocket, however, and called her cousin. Anya took her time answering but when she did Lexa felt slight relief.

“Anya!”

_“Lex? Where are you?”_

“Anya I can’t breath. I can’t…” Lexa she was choking, the sudden fear too overwhelming.

 _“Breathe Lex. I’m right here.”_ Anya’s voice was now more alert, focused on her cousin. _“Breathe in on 1, 2, 3, 4 and release on 1, 2, 3.”_

Lexa did as told, inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly.

_“That’s it, I’m going to be here until you feel safe, okay? Just relax for me.”_

Lexa kept breathing, her tensed muscles slowly unwinding until the fear was gone.

“Thanks Anya, I feel better.”

_“Are you home?”_

“Yes.”

_“Should I come over?”_

“No. I am better. You stay where you are. I just need to take my meds.”

“ _If you need me call me Lex. You know you’re not alone in this. Okay?”_

“Okay.” Lexa concluded the call. She stood up and strolled to the bathroom where she retrieved the corresponding orange vial and popped the anxiety pill. She went back to her bed and sat, Lexa extended her arm and picked up the portrait resting on the table. “I am so sorry Costia. I shouldn’t have kissed her. I don’t know why I did it but I’m sorry baby. You are the only one for me.” Lexa placed the portrait back on her night table and changed her into more comfortable clothes for bed.

 

Lexa was in turmoil by these overwhelming feelings she thought she had left in the past.  Why had Clarke fucking Griffin returned after 15 years, submerging Lexa in a sea of confusion? Lexa had crushed on Clarke for so many years, every damn summer she expected to see her again.  Even when she acted like a prick to her, Lexa always was eager to see her, and then she didn’t come back. Clarke left and that broke her heart.

She met Costia, and she brought so much happiness to her.  Lexa couldn’t be ungrateful and let go of her wife now. Clarke Griffin was temporary and that’s how she had to manage this situation, like a bump in the road. “She’s going to leave again, don’t hope. You’re broken, she’s a doctor, she doesn’t need damage goods.” Lexa told herself.

She closed her eyes and tried to sleep, reliving the feeling of Clarke’s lips, of her creamy skin with water droplets running down her body and of her soft hands moving over her sensitive form. The businesswoman quickly forced all of those thoughts away.

\------

_“I am so sorry for your loss Mrs. Woods, um, could you come to the morgue to identify the body?” The man on the phone asked her. Lexa flinched at the mention of the morgue, she was utterly afraid to see the marred body of her wife._

_“Yes.” She answered dryly._

 

_Anya had gone with her to the hospital to claim the body and had helped her during the preparation of the funeral. Lexa walked through the white halls of the hospital and entered the elevator. She pushed B2 and waited until the lift took her to the morgue._

_She strolled in silence, shoulders firm, head high, yet her heart was shattered._

_“Do you want me to go in with you?” Anya rested her hand over her shoulder, offering support and comfort, but Lexa didn’t want any of that, she wanted to be left alone, she wanted to die._

_“No.”_

_Lexa pushed the door and let the morgue attendant guide her to Costia. Her breathing started to increase; the man opened the mortuary chamber pulling a body covered with a white sheet and Lexa froze.  She gulped down the lump in her throat, the man looked at her as if asking if she was ready. Lexa clenched her jaw and nodded._

_The man lifted the sheet, and Lexa had to bite the inside of her cheeks so that she would not break in front of the man, she didn’t want to look weak. She nodded._

_The man was going to cover her pale body again, but Lexa had to ask for her forgiveness. “Can I have a minute, please.”_

_The attendant eyed her with pity but he took a step back, Lexa touched her cheek and the coldness of it sent shivers throughout her body. “I am so sorry baby, please forgive me.” She whispered in her ear. She leaned down to hold the body against her, hoping that maybe with her warmth Costia would wake up. “Open your eyes, Cos. Come back to me.” Then Lexa broke down. The tears started to fall on top of Costia’s serene face._

_“Ma’am you have to let go.” The attendant came to pull her away, but Lexa was now angry. “Don’t touch me!”_

_Anya heard the noise and burst through the door, “Lexa come on! That’s enough Lexa, she is gone!”_

_“No! NO!” Lexa cried while Anya pulled her away from the body. “Her fight is over Lexa, let go.” Anya tucked Lexa close to her and dragged her out of the morgue, the woman was completely torn, the guilt eating her alive. If only she had accepted her proposal, if only she had listened, if only, if only, if only._

_“You killed me Lexa, you did.”_

_\------_

Lexa gasped, she sat up in her bed and turned on the lamp, she was sweating and visibly agitated. She looked around, but there was no one there. As always, she was alone.

“Another nightmare. Just what I needed.” Lexa jumped out of bed and padded to the bathroom, she opened her cabinet and took another pill. It was almost 4am, she changed into her red running shorts and black hoodie and headed to the beach.

 

The breeze was cool which was perfect for Lexa, the cold never actually bothered her. Besides, there was no way that she was going to sleep again after her most recent nightmare, and the coldness of the early morning kept her mind sharp and away from those dreams. She passed some beach houses when she noticed the light in Clarke’s room from far away, like every other day that she had ran since Clarke’s return.  The bedroom always had a light on.

She kept pushing the sand with her tired legs, her lungs were burning but she didn’t care, she kept running.  She ran towards the Griffin’s place as if the light attracted her, just like a moth to a flame.

Once she reached beach outside the back of Clarke’s place, she stopped  - breathing hard and letting her heart recover from the strenuous exercise. Clarke was painting and she was very focused on the strokes, paying attention to the details, the colors were vibrant, sadly Lexa couldn’t see the entire canvass from her vantage point.

As if she could read her mind, Clarke turned around and saw her standing on the beach. The blonde stopped and headed to the crystal door, she slid it open and stepped outside. Lexa was about to run off but Clarke stopped her.

“Lexa wait!  Don’t go.”

Lexa waited, green eyes focused on the blonde mane moving with the wind as if it were dancing.

“I want to apologize, I was annoying earlier and for that I’m sorry.”

“Good, at least you recognize how annoying you can be.”

Clarke scoffed, “Well you can be a bitch sometimes.”

Lexa smiled, “I know.”

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked.

Lexa lowered her head, trying to avoid the pity coming from Clarke’s eyes. “Did Anya tell you what happened?”

“No, not at all. I just was around and heard her on the phone. Lincoln took her back home in case you needed her.”

“I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. Just don’t.” Lexa was on the defensive, she hated to be the girl that the entire town pitied. Everyone knew about the accident, she hated every day when people stopped at the shop and reminded her how pathetic her life was now that Costia was gone.

“I’m not. I’m your friend and as a friend I would like to help you.” Clarke tried to break down that wall Lexa built between them yet again, the blonde was insistent, and Lexa respected that. “Come with me for a second. I won’t take much of your precious time.” Clarke made her way back to her bedroom and Lexa followed.

 

“We’re not friends Clarke.” Lexa felt the need to clarify that.

Clarke rolled her eyes hard. “Hell, because you don’t give me a chance. I get it, I annoy you but you have never given me a fair opportunity Lexa.” Clarke let Lexa inside, and the brunette finally could see the painting, it was beautiful. The beach during sunset, it was so soothing, the way the sea was painted with a mixture of white and blues made it look alive, the sun reflecting on the water with specks of white, yellow and orange gave it a shiny appearance. Clarke was no amateur regarding painting.

“Fine, I will give you a chance Clarke.” Lexa crossed her arms, feeling a small tingle in her belly.

Clarke smiled widely, happy to hear that response, she went inside her closet looking for something. While Clarke leaned down Lexa couldn’t avert her gaze from her ass, of course she scolded herself mentally for the intrusion and turned around to focus on the painting resting on the canvas.

“Aha!” Clarke found what she was looking for and met Lexa again. “Here.”

Lexa frowned looking at the book that the blonde was offering her. “A coloring book?”

“Yep, this is what I want to give you. You see, art is my way of coping with pain Lexa. The reason I’m here is because I lost a patient dear to me. Her name was Tris, she was 7.” Lexa could see the hurt in Clarke’s expression, the way she spoke about that girl made it clear that she had meant so much to the doctor. “It’s been chasing me, the guilt of losing her. I take refuge in art, I do this in the hospital, but Tris was as mine as her mother’s and the hospital reminded me of my failure as her doctor.” Clarke’s voice broke slightly, but she kept going. “I had to find my purpose again and that’s why I ventured back to the town that gave me as many happy moments as sad. When I can’t sleep I paint to chase away the ghosts in my head. I think that this might be helpful for you too, if you give it a shot. It will soothe your mind and maybe you can find some solace in art, just like me.”

Lexa took a peek at the coloring book. A princess riding her horse into the castle, there was also a magician in a funny outfit and a dragon. The drawings were obviously aimed at children, and she felt embarrassed that Clarke even thought of giving her a children’s coloring book. Still, the gesture was appreciated.

“You run for the same reason, don’t you?”

Lexa returned her eyes to Clarke. “Yes.”

“Well, if you feel like it you can paint instead of run, colors might brighten your day.” Clarke said with confidence.

“Doctor’s orders?” Lexa teased.

“Doctor’s orders.”

Lexa rolled the book and tuck it inside her hoodie. “Thanks Clarke.”

“That’s what friends are for.” Clarke smiled again and for some reason her smile was already making her days brighter.

“Annoying friends you mean.” Lexa joked making Clarke laugh.

“God, you won’t ever give me a break.”

“Never.” At that, Lexa resumed her run and returned to her place.

_________________

Clarke woke up hours later, the sun was already up when she stirred in her bed. The sun crept through the curtains of her bedroom and she sat, a smile appeared on her face when she remembered the conversation she had with Lexa much earlier in the morning. That was a step closer to becoming friends,.  Yes, helping the woman in unbearable pain was definitely a step in the right direction.

Clarke was learning more and more about Lexa. Anya received a call from her cousin in the middle of the night.  Clarke was still in her bedroom thinking about the kiss that evidently Lexa had decided to ignore when she heard the panic rise in Anya’s voice. Clarke had assumed the worst, but then she listened to Anya trying to calm down the woman on the other end of the line. Clarke understood the situation right away, but she didn’t want to interrupt until Anya finished the call. They talked for a bit until Lincoln returned with Octavia, and Anya left with him in case Lexa needed her.

Clarke put on a robe and strolled to the kitchen when the scent of coffee hit her senses. She found Octavia with the coffee pot in hand.

“Morning.”

“Hey Griff, looking like shit today.” Octavia offered another mug with the hot beverage.

“Geez, thanks O.” Clarke added some cream to her coffee and took a sip, welcoming the warmth and the strong flavor first thing in the morning.

“Found Raven in my bed, the poor thing is still snoring. How much booze did she drink?” Octavia took the seat beside Clarke in the counter.

“A lot, but that’s Raven. Always enthusiastic.”

“Your friends are really cool. Anya and Lincoln are pretty fun to hang out with. And your Lexa, holy shit Doc, she was your best kept secret.”

“Shut it.”

“The woman is hot, ten points for Griffindor.” Octavia nudged Clarke with her shoulder.

“Lexa is more than a pretty face, you know?” Clarke thought about how strong she was, the girl always kicked her ass when they played pirates or hunters. Lexa would leave her behind and tell her she was always slowing her down. They could never get along playing those adventure games.

“She’s so fragile now though.” Clarke commented absentmindedly. “The blame is eating her alive. She lost her wife, and she can’t cope with it.”

“Oh, I had no idea. I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I want to help her O. But she won’t let me in. I’ll always be grateful that you were there for me, but that stubborn woman pushes everyone away and she is so lonely.” Clarke propped her elbows on the table and held her face in her hands looking outside to the beach. “I don’t know what to do.”

Octavia surrounded Clarke with her arm, pulling her close. “Clarke, if someone is stubborn, it’s you. You’ll get to her.” Octavia opened the bag of cookies left on the counter and popped one in her mouth. “You care a lot about her for being someone you hated as a child, no?”

Clarke chuckled. “Yeah. We kissed.”

Octavia almost chokes while she munched the chocolate chip cookie. Clarke had to hit her back a couple of times so she could regain her breath. “WHAT? When, where? You have to spill Griffin.”

“Last night. I don’t know O, it just happened. I was annoying the shit out of her, cos I know she hates that and next thing I know she’s kissing me and it feels so good. Then she pushes me and runs away.”

“Well that is some mixed signals right there.” Octavia pondered.

“I think it has to do with her wife. Lexa has kept everyone away as far as I know, and then she kisses me and the guilt hits her. I guess that’s what’s bothering her.”

Octavia refilled both her mugs with the dark hot liquid. “That is some weird case you have there Clarke. She has heavy baggage. Do you want something to happen between you two?” Octavia eyed Clarke quizzically. That was a good question, Clarke had always refused the idea that Lexa felt something for her when they were young. Even now, but after that kiss, she didn’t know what to take from that. Was it simply the need of affection pushing Lexa to act rashly or was it something that Lexa really wanted to do on her own accord?

“I don’t know O. I want to be her friend for sure.” Clarke took another sip from her mug, the caffeine already waking up her nervous system, igniting all the neural connections in her body. “I’ll have to find out what’s going on between us first and maybe explore that possibility.”

“I mean if it’s just to get laid and have a good time you know I’m all in, I want you to connect with the living Clarke, but Lexa is a tough cookie, so just think about it, okay?” Octavia smiled and finished her coffee. “I’m gonna go wake my roommate now.” Octavia winked and went back to her bedroom to wake Raven.

 

“Hey Raven.” Clarke greeted the young mechanic who looked like a walking dead.

“That was some movie night Clarke.” Raven sat and poured herself a cup of coffee.

“Where’s Linc and Anya?” Raven started to make a sandwich, taking the ingredients from the cupboard.

“Ah yes, they had to leave, um Lexa didn’t feel well.”

“Ah all right. We’ll meet them later I guess.” Raven quickly put some ham and cheese inside the bread, put it inside the toaster-oven and sat while she waited for it to be ready. “Today looks pretty, we should go to the beach today. We have enough to make a volleyball team.” Raven suggested.

“I like that plan.” Octavia smiled at the obsidian-haired girl.

“Sounds good, but you know I suck at sports so I’d rather sunbathe and watch you play to the death, cos my bestie here is very competitive.”

Raven arched her brow. “Hmm I wouldn’t mind some competition.”

“Oh, you think you can beat me?” Octavia chuckled.

“I don’t think so, I am sure I can beat you.” Raven smirked and as the bell from the oven announced that her sandwich was ready, she pulled the tray and put her food on a plate, sitting at the table between Clarke and Octavia.

“Uh oh, you have no idea what you’re getting into O. Raven was the best in sports.  Every summer she kicked our ass in kayak races and beach volleyball.” Clarke commented.

After Raven munched her sandwich she added, “True, but I can assure you I’m good at other things as well. I am a woman with many abilities.”

Octavia laughed. “You’re full of yourself Reyes, sadly I’m going to have to bring you down to earth it seems.”

“Good luck with that nurse Blake.” Raven wiggled her eyebrows playfully.

Clarke joined in the laughter of the group. “I’ll call Anya to let them know of the new plan.” She thought about Lexa, it would be better if she went to the store and invited her personally. That was the only way she could make the woman agree with her or else she was sure that Lexa was going to find a way to avoid joining them. “Okay, so I see you all at 4pm I have to go to restock my art supplies, last night was very productive so I’ll be going now. Talk to you later.” At that Clarke headed back to her bedroom to shower and get ready before driving to the town plaza.

\-------

As expected Lexa was already in her shop. Clarke pushed the door open and went straight to the art section where she picked up more brushes and paints. She put them inside her cart and kept filling it with more supplies. She walked to the cashier and stood in line behind a man, whose hair was white already by the passing of time. If Clarke remembered correctly he was Dante Wallace, he had a company here in Polis, one of the many business owners in the coastal town, just like Lexa.  The man was paying for some gardening materials, Clarke noted.

“Thank you Alexandria for helping me with my plants. They are growing beautifully thanks to your advice.” The old man thanked her.

“No problem Mr. Wallace, I’m here to help.” Lexa handed him his shopping bag.

“And I’m still sorry you lost your wife so young. I remember when she was around, she made everyone smile. Costia was like sunshine and-”

“Mister Wallace!” Clarke interrupted the man, seeing how uncomfortable he was making Lexa. “Such a long time.” Clarke smiled.

The old man turn to face the blonde woman, a questioning look on his face.

“It’s me, Clarke Griffin.”

“OH! Yes, of course. Jake and Abby’s kid. You have grown a lot and become a very pretty lady.” The man smiled warmly. “It is so good to see you back in town. Is your mother all right?”

“Yeah, she’s really busy though, she is Chief of Cardio at TonDC Hospital, where I work too.”

“I’m glad to hear that. We should totally catch up Clarke. Maybe tomorrow you would like to join me and my son. Remember Cage?”

“Uh Cage?” Clarke went down memory lane. She did remember a boy, couple of years older than her, dark hair and dark brown eyes and for some reason Clarke never liked his smile. “Yes, right. Cage used to hang out at the beach most of the time with his friends. I hope he is doing well.”

“Yes, he is managing our business now. And he is single.” Dante winked at Clarke, making the blonde smile and a bit distressed by the remark. “So nice to see you and should I send someone to pick you up tomorrow?”

“Aah, well, I uh-”

“Sorry Mr. Wallace, Clarke is busy tomorrow night.” Lexa cut in, earning a glare from Clarke.

“Oh very well, some other time. Take care.” The man waved goodbye and left the store.

 

Clarke rested her hand in her hips. “Really? Can I know why I’m busy tomorrow night?”

Lexa huffed. “Clarke, you didn’t want to go. I just helped a friend in need. Aren’t friends supposed to do that?”

“How convenient. Thanks but next time I can make my own decision.”

“Trust me, Cage is still an asshole. You don't want to hang out with him.”

“Don’t you think everyone deserves a second chance?”

“Not him. Is that all you buying or what?” Lexa said exasperated.

Clarke noticed the change in the brunette, the irritation emanating from her pores, but also the hurt of being reminded of her wife that probably happened on a daily basis if Dante’s comments were indicative of her interactions with the people from Polis. Clarke couldn’t care less if she was being annoying again and took Lexa’s hand in hers. “I still miss my dad even after 15 years, I can only imagine how it is still fresh in your mind.”

“I’m okay Clarke. It didn’t bother me.” Lexa removed her hand away from the blonde’s grasp.

Clarke sighed, she was going to need a lot of patience with this woman. “Of course you are Lexa, because you don’t feel a thing, right?. You’re a machine.” Clarke took again her hand and put it over her heart. “I mean, machines don’t have a heart, can you feel mine beating? This is what makes us human, feeling pain is okay so don’t deprive yourself of those emotions. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, not to Mr. Wallace and not to me, Lexa.”

Lexa was eyeing Clarke with some apprehension, her cheeks slightly redder than normal when Clarke understood that it had to do with the fact that Lexa’s hand was over her left boob.

Clarke let go of her hand and cleared her throat. “Anyway, we are going to the beach today, you should come. I had a good time with all of you yesterday.”

“I have things to do.” Lexa responded, shutting down Clarke’s invitation immediately.

“Lexa why do you have to make me beg? Can you be like nice for once?”

“You see, that’s why I can’t stand you. You are annoying as hell, you don’t take no for an answer!” Lexa shook her head incredulous.

“Damn right I don’t! So you’re going to be stuck with me for the rest of my vacation Lexa. And you owe me after calling off Mr. Wallace’s invitation.”

Lexa pouted, “Whatever,” and checked out Clarke’s supplies. “$34.59.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “It’s never easy with you.” She gave 40 bucks to Lexa and grabbed her bags. “Keep the change,” and stomped out of the store.

\-------

“This is paradise.” Octavia put a towel in the sand and sat there, while Clarke did the same beside her.

“Yes, it is. My dad used to sail and I tagged along. The sea is so beautiful, the blue and green colors of the water make it look like you’re trapped in a painting.”

“Nothing like living in a coastal town, lemme tell you Nurse Blake.” Raven removed her shirt to reveal a red top, then she sat between Clarke and Octavia.

“True, ask Clarke. The first time she arrived here she was clearly complaining about how boring this place was and how there was nothing to do. That was until we took her under our wing.” Anya came with Lincoln and Lexa.

Clarke was so happy to see the woman again, she smiled widely. “Yeah yeah you made my summers incredibly fun, I admit it.”

“Clarke was part of our little crew and now we can say that you are too, Octavia.” Lincoln put his towel in front of his cousin’s and that’s where he sat. He removed his t-shirt revealing his toned abs, and Octavia almost choked with the water she was drinking.

“Someone is very thirsty.” Anya chuckled while Lincoln rolled his eyes.

“Enough chit chat! Let’s play!” Raven was putting lotion in her arms, then she slid dark sunglasses on top of her nose. “Who wants to play volleyball?”

“I’m in bitches!” Octavia stood up with excitement.

“Great, Anya and I versus Linc and Octavia.” Raven took the ball. “Nerd stays on the bench.”

Clarke flipped her middle finger to a very smiley Raven. “Octavia kick her ass!”

“Gotcha Doc!” Octavia ran to the volleyball area followed by her partner Lincoln, while Anya and Raven took their position on the other side of the net.

“You should go play. I remember you were pretty great, better than Raven if I must say.” Clarke took out her sunscreen lotion and started to spread it on her arms first.

“No thanks. Not in the mood to play.” Lexa took out a book from her duffel bag, put on her reading glasses and sat to read.

 

The blonde kept spreading her lotion stealing glances at the concentrating woman. She came with black leggings and a white t-shirt, her chestnut hair was in a bun and those round reading glasses that she sported looked so cute on her face.

“What?” Lexa asked without lifting her gaze from her book.

“Can you give me a hand?”

Lexa sighed, she closed the book, placing a bookmark on the page she was on. She eyed Clarke. “What do you need?”

Clarke offered the lotion to Lexa. “If you don’t mind.”

Lexa took the bottle in her hands. “Okay.” She crawled to where Clarke was sitting and kneeled behind her. Clarke lowered her head a bit and pulled her hair over her shoulder so Lexa could reach her trapezius without so much hair in the way.

Lexa hesitated, she had to spread sunscreen on Clarke’s back. She thought this was a stupid request, but now that she had to actually do it, Lexa was in deep trouble.

“A problem?”

“No. It is kind of stuck. One second.” Lexa pressed the bottle and poured the cream in the palm of her hand. Her left hand landed on Clarke’s left shoulder and the warmth of her skin made her shiver. Lexa started to spread the cream softly, her hand sliding over smooth white skin. Her hand kept moving over the nape of her neck until she reached the right shoulder section making sure to spread the layer of sunscreen until it was properly absorbed.

Lexa exhaled not realizing she had been holding her breath all this time. Lexa poured more cream over her palm, and this time she rubbed it in both of her hands so she could spread it easily with both hands. She started on each side of her neck and started to spread the sunscreen over her scapulas from the inside to the outside in circular motions.

Clarke moaned softly, “that feels good.” Clarke started to relax into her touch. Lexa lifted carefully the elastic band of her top to put more lotion underneath it. The brunette reached the lower back of the surgeon spreading more sunscreen feeling the tight muscles of her back, applying more pressure where needed.

Lexa leaned over Clarke’s shoulder. “Done.” Her voice came out huskier than intended.

Clarke lifted her face to look at the woman behind her back, her fingers itched to trace that jawline, she wanted to sketch her profile and those blown pupils that looked at her with hunger. “Thanks.”

The volley ball suddenly fell two feet away from where Clarke and Lexa were seated. “Whoops!” My bad.” Raven giggled and high-fived Anya.

“What the hell Raven!” Clarke stood up to remove the sand that splattered from the ball.

“Sorry about that.” Lincoln came to retrieve the ball and returned to the court.

Clarke turned around but Lexa was already in her previous spot, several meters away from her.

“Book of Five Rings?” Clarke had to make some conversation, she needed to regain Lexa’s attention, she couldn’t lose Lexa, not now that they had come so far in their weird attempt at friendship.

“Yes.”

“Anything interesting?” Clarke leaned down in her towel to get more comfortable.

Lexa glared at Clarke. “I’m trying to read, Clarke.”

Clarke chuckled. “Fine, keep reading then.”

_____________

Clarke’s cellphone rang, she took a peek. “Dr. Griffin. Oh yes hello. How is my little champ? Okay. What else? No, just give him acetaminophen, 5 ml will suffice and if the fever continues you take him to Dr. Collins.  I’ll call him to be on stand-by. Lots of fluids too. Sure, give him my love.”

Clarke sighed and pushed some keys. “Hey Finn. Yeah I’m taking some time off. I need a favor. I need you to check one of my patients, his name is Quint. What? You’re kidding, right?” Clarke sighed, Finn could be a real douchebag sometimes. “That’s low Finn, asking me out on a date over my patient?”

Lexa left her book beside her on the towel, she noticed the worry in Clarke’s voice, but more than everything it reminded her of Costia, who was as busy as Clarke taking a thousand calls from that bitch of her boss, who came up with random dinners and appointments. Her Costia who spent more time with her boss than with her wife. Her Costia who died in a car accident because she let her go because of that bitch of her boss. Lexa was filled again with those tormenting memories of her relationship with her wife and that made her angry, she lost her composure, she wasn't going to let another asshole ruin her life. Lexa yanked the phone away from Clarke. “Listen to me asshole, she’s mine so back off!” Lexa growled, her tone as menacing as ever, and she shut the phone right away. Leaving a very stunned Clarke looking at her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little by little Clarke is getting to the apprehensive Lexa. Can she really provide the help she needs?
> 
> Thanks and until next time,
> 
> Tana.


	4. Chapter 4

Lexa was breathing heavily, her fists clenched, and Clarke had to pull the phone from her grasp. Lexa only then returned to reality, she blinked several times trying to snap back out of her dark place and saw Clarke. The woman looked so worried that Lexa felt ashamed of her behavior, she had no right to act like a possessive motherfucker when Clarke was nothing to her.  She had a wife to respect or in this case, a memory.

“Lexa? Are you okay?” Clarke rested her hand over her forearm softly, the delicate hands of a surgeon, hands of an artist that shouldn’t be stained with her darkness, and so Lexa jerked away from her. “I’m sorry.” Lexa made her way to the volleyball court. “My turn!” She called and Anya switched with Lexa.

 

Hitting the ball had been quite cathartic for her, letting the sun bathe her skin and darkening it with its light helped her forget what she did. Lexa was a mess. Everything had been fine, perfect really, she was used to her lonely days trapped in the sadness of her bedroom where the bed felt too big and too cold for her. Lexa was already accustomed to the pity from the town's people.  She knew how to smile politely when they offered their condolences for the 30th time,  expressing sympathy that she lost a splendid woman at such a young age  because without Costia she was nothing. She was reduced to a useless businesswoman. Lexa could control her pain most of the time, her anger not so much, but the hurt kept her grounded in reality, that was until Anya intervened. Then Lexa found another way to manage, running every single day until her muscles cramped and her lungs burned.

Lexa had some control over part of her life, but the other part? The pills controlled. However, not anymore. It took Clarke Griffin one day to ruin everything. One day and Lexa reverted to her old stupid teenager self. That sad and pathetic girl who wanted more than what she could chew. Lexa didn’t know what to do. She felt so damn lost with Clarke around. Her anxiety kept her on edge, and her depression sunk her further into her own little dark place. Lexa could deal with the dark. She couldn’t deal with Clarke. At least she knew that her headache was going to be over in one more week, after Clarke left Polis and returned to TonDC.

 

After Raven and Lexa kicked Octavia and Lincoln’s asses in beach volleyball, they returned to the Griffin household for the BBQ. Lincoln was preparing the food with Octavia while Raven and Anya fixed the table. Lexa was simply trying to keep away from Clarke as much as possible. The brunette claimed the chair furthest from Clarke and sat to read, ignoring Clarke’s attempts to speak with her.

“Okay we got this BBQ running ladies.” Lincoln smiled proudly.

“Let’s get cooking!” Octavia went back inside the house to get the food from the kitchen.

“Shit! Fridge is empty!” Raven protested. “Who drank all the booze?”

“I think that would be you.” Anya smiled at the mechanic.

That was the opportunity she needed to get away. Lexa stood up, “I’ll go get the beers.”

“That’s what I’m talking about.” Raven blew her a kiss to Lexa and got back to arranging the table.

“Don’t burn the food though. Be right back.” Lexa waved goodbye to her friends and started the walk down the sandy beach to the closest grocery store.

 

“Wait!” Clarke came running behind catching up with Lexa in a matter of seconds.

“Clarke go back. I can do this on my own.” Lexa kept walking and shoved her hands inside her pockets.

“I know but I want to hang out with you.” Clarke kept the pace, she was determined to stay with Lexa.

Lexa shrugged and dismissed her with her hand. “Do whatever you want.” And the two made their way to the store.

When Clarke’s house was out of sight and they turned onto the forested, rather secluded, path to the town store, Clarke approached Lexa. “Are you going to keep ignoring me?” Clarke leaned forward keeping her eyes on Lexa. The woman stern face basically said don’t talk to me, but Clarke couldn’t give a damn about Lexa being a total bitch with her, at least not today.

“...”

Clarke rolled her eyes, sighing deeply and deadpanned “how mature of you.”

“I don’t want to talk, Clarke.”

“So that’s it, you’ll keep ignoring me until I leave?”

“Yes.”

Clarke face-palmed. “Arrgh! You’re the one who’s annoying right now! Gosh, you can be so frustrating at times!” Clarke hurried her steps and stopped Lexa by cutting in front of her.

“Clarke get out of the way.” Lexa crossed her arms and tapped her feet on the ground waiting for the blonde to move away.

“Not until we speak Lexa. Are you really going to keep ignoring what happened between us?”

“Nothing happened Clarke.”

Clarke laughed out loud, her voice resonating in the forest with total disbelief. “Oh my God, your denial level is amazing Lexa but let me refresh your memory. YOU. KISSED. ME.” Clarke run her hand through her hair. “And you snatched my phone recently and told Finn, my colleague, that I’m yours!? Don’t you think I deserve an explanation?”

“It was a mistake, now forget it Clarke.” Lexa stated dryly. Lexa gently pushed Clarke to the side and off the small trail and kept moving to town.

Clarke fisted her hands, and she huffed in extreme frustration. “Are you for real?” Clarke jogged in order to catch up with the woman with slightly longer legs. “You can’t keep running away from this, Lexa!”

“Yes I can!” Lexa clenched her jaw, cursing her luck. Why on earth did Clarke Griffin have to be so damn stubborn and annoying? Why did Lexa deserve to be stuck with this woman who has done nothing but destroy her sanity since they met 15 years ago?

 

Clarke clutched Lexa’s arm to stop her. She stepped in front of the brunette again and showed no respect for personal space. Clarke was fed up with her, and Lexa could see the true extent of Clarke’s anger. Lexa pursed her lips, lifted her chin up waiting for the attack of the young surgeon.   She patiently anticipated harsh words to come out of that mouth that tasted of heaven.

“Just tell me why are you determined to not feel a thing?” Clarke took another step, closing the distance between them, they were a nose apart from each other, her voice a caress on Lexa’s face. Her knuckles brushed Lexa’s cheek and her eyes were bright, clear as the water of the ocean surrounding Polis.

“And why are you so bent on making me feel things!?” Lexa growled, never breaking eye contact with the blonde.

Clarke’s fingertip moved to the crinkles between Lexa’s brows, softening her frown.  "Because I don’t want to see you sad.” And that honesty was what got her. Clarke could be an annoying little fuck whenever she wanted to. She was the girl from the city who came for vacation every summer to make her life miserable, but Clarke was also an open book regarding her feelings. No wonder she felt attached and responsible for each of the little kids she tended to in the hospital. Lexa wanted to believe her, but the darkness inside repelled the light that was Clarke. “Really? Then why did you leave me Clarke? You grabbed your things and you never looked back! You left and you didn’t care that I was sad back then so why care now!?” Lexa spit out her accusation with venom and clearly hurt the blonde. Lexa moved to the side evading Clarke and started moving to the town store.

 

 

The walk back after shopping for booze was completely silent. Lexa had no idea if she was grateful or mad at her own stupidity. Clarke had no fault whatsoever in her being a miserable bitch, Lexa was being unfair by putting blame on Clarke when she understood the reasons she left Polis. A 17 year old girl who lost her father couldn’t possibly be more interested in the girl who spent so many years crushing on her. It was shitty to throw unrealistic expectations in her face. The two arrived back at the beach house.

 

“Holy shit who fucking died?” Raven came out wiping her hands on a towel, her face was a bit smudged with oil. “Ow!” Anya elbowed Raven in the ribs. “Shut it Reyes. Thanks guys.” Anya took the bags from Lexa and Clarke and put them on the kitchen counter.

“I’m going for a walk.” Lexa bowed her head not meeting her cousin eyes, knowing that they were filled with compassion and love. Lexa couldn’t take it anymore.

“Sure thing little cousin, food is almost ready so don't take long.”

Lexa nodded and headed out.

___________

Clarke went inside the house and slumped on the couch. Raven wanted to go and check on Clarke, but Anya told her to help Octavia and Lincoln with the food instead. Anya joined Clarke on the couch, the two women were left alone in the living room of the spacious beach house which was the ideal setting to talk.

“I had no idea.” Clarke hid her face behind her hands leaning over her lap. “I had no fucking idea Anya that I hurt her that much.”

Anya patted Clarke’s back softly, in soothing movements to ease some of her tension. “I left all of you not giving a second thought of how you felt and then, shit, I swear I had no idea Anya…”

Anya chuckled. “Clarke, you were blind as a bat, no one could blame you for being so dreamy. My moronic little cousin would look at you as if you were her whole world but she never said a word, she simply gave up on you. You needed someone to spell it for you basically, Clarke.”

“I’m an idiot!” Clarke shifted her position and leaned on Anya’s lap. The older Woods massaged her scalp, keeping the rhythm slow, relaxing.

“No, you’re not Clarke. Lexa has loved you since she met you, but she has a guarded heart. Always has. She knew you were trouble and so she didn’t pursue you. Then your father passed away and of course you left. No one is blaming you for that.”

“She does.”

“Lexa knows it wasn’t on purpose.” Anya sighed. “I’ve seen the way she looks at you Clarke. It’s like seeing a glimpse of the past. And I’m glad that you have stirred some feelings inside her, but she's like a wounded animal. She will fight you all the way Clarke, and I'm afraid that you're receiving the explosive end of her current mood.”

Clarke lifted up from Anya’s lap, she turned and pulled her legs up crossing them and looked at Anya. “Yeah, she's been pushing me away harder each time I try to be a friend.”

“Clarke don't be naive.” Anya grinned leaning on the couch support. “I think you already know she doesn't want to be just friends Clarke. And neither do you. I mean, that weird sexual tension around you two is enough to cook all the food we bought for the BBQ.”

“Shut up you perv!” Clarke nudged Anya with her arm. “I don't know how to feel about this, Anya. Lexa is so, she’s so…” Clarke closed her eyes trying to come up with the proper word to describe Lexa, who was unbelievably complicated, like a game of jenga where Clarke pulled some pieces and Lexa was about to fall apart.

“So sexy?” Anya winked laughing like a mad woman. “I don't blame you though, the Woods have good genes.”

Clarke picked up one of the pillows on the couch and hit Anya with it. “You’re so full of yourself Anya.”

Anya laughed heartily. “Yeah and you love me anyway.” Anya pulled Clarke to her and started to ruffle her hair like when they were dumb kids playing on the beach. Clarke's laughter was so carefree that for a moment she really thought she was back in time.

 

Lexa cleared her throat, crossing her arms with a firm stance, standing between the kitchen door and backyard. “Sorry to interrupt your intimate moment. Food is ready.”

Anya and Clarke split, still with a smile on their faces. “Thanks Lex. And no need to shoot darts at me with your wolf eyes little cousin, Clarke wants to play doctor with you.” Anya patted Lexa on the shoulder and went to meet the rest of the group in the backyard for the dinner at the beach leaving a flustered Clarke behind.

 

Clarke fixed her messy hair in a quick bun and walked to the back of the house. Right when she was about to cross paths with Lexa the brunette spoke.

“I am sorry Clarke. I shouldn’t have blamed you for my current state. You had nothing to do with it. I was insensitive and you didn’t deserve it.”

Clarke smiled with kindness, showing Lexa that she did care for her. She was part of their little group of friends, maybe she had always been the most special of them all, and Clarke didn't realize it until now. “You were right though. I could have written or called but I was angry with this place and you all reminded me of my pain. I was a terrible friend Lexa but I’m here now, so please let me be here for you.” She was a breath away from Lexa as big green eyes devoured her. How could she have missed this look that made her feel like the most precious thing in the world all this time? Clarke clasped Lexa’s hands, trying to provide comfort and safety. “Don’t fight me Lexa. These feelings are real.” Clarke closed the space between them and kissed Lexa testing first her reaction by pressing her lips softly over the plump ones. Lexa pressed the nape of her neck bringing her closer. Deepening the kiss, Clarke held onto her shoulders keeping the perfect balance. A soft kiss with so much passion, lips moving in slow motion, like a tango between lovers. Pressing rhythmically with the beat of their hearts. and yet, Lexa pulled away.

“I can’t. Costia _is_ my wife!” Lexa cried looking at the ring in her left hand.

Clarke deflated completely, this was seriously like Octavia predicted. Lexa had a lot of baggage to deal with and whatever she was trying to build with Lexa was going to be shaky, as if it was a sand castle waiting for the first wave to destroy it, as long as Lexa held on to her dead wife. “Lexa no. Costia _was_ your wife. I don’t intend on replacing her and you shouldn’t either. But I’m here, I’m of flesh and blood, so if you could only give yourself a chance maybe I could give your heart a break.”

Lexa didn’t meet her eyes, she simply walked silently out of the house and spent the rest of the evening with her family.

\-------

It was Monday morning and Octavia was already packed to return to TonDC, Octavia and Clarke worked to move her bags into the trunk of her car. Once they car was loaded Clarke hugged Octavia tightly and wished her a safe trip back home.

“You take care O. Thanks so much for coming.”

Octavia returned the embrace with the same love and care. “Thanks for having me Clarke. This place is amazing. I can’t wait to come back for a real vacation.”

“Yeah. I’ll return to work next week so tell my mom I’m ready to operate again.”

Octavia nodded. “Sure. I’ll check on your patients and send you the schedule this weekend so you can do some pre-op prep.”

Clarke smiled thankfully as she hugged her friend once more. When they broke apart, Octavia took her face in her hands. “Griff, you do like her, don’t you?”

Clarke’s smile became tiny, she filled with despair. “I do O. I really like Lexa, but she won’t let me get close. I have never seen someone so in need to be loved, to be held and cared for like her.”

Octavia chuckled. “You got it bad Griff. Make sure to take your time, don’t give your heart too fast. Lexa seems like a good woman, but she has this dangerous vibe Clarke, it scares me a bit.”

“Don’t worry O. I have one more week to find out if this is going to sail away or sink.” Octavia smiled kindly and gave her yet another big hug.

“Okay you leave some for us too, Clarke.” Lincoln came walking to the garage with Raven.

“Hey guys!” Clarke waved to the incoming visitors.

“Wanted to say see you later Nurse Blake.” Raven smiled and surrounded Octavia with her arms. “It was fun meeting you.”

“Same here Reyes.”

Lincoln met Octavia with a kind hug wishing her a safe trip. The three moved to the side to let Octavia slide into the driver’s seat and waited until she drove away back to the city.

“We’re gonna miss that tiny dork around here.” Raven said absentmindedly. “And we’re gonna miss you too Clarke. You leaving this weekend, right?”

“Yeah. Work awaits, patients and lots of responsibilities.”

Raven smiled resting her hand on Clarke’s forearm and then walked away, probably back to her garage to start work for the day.

 

Lincoln threw his hand over Clarke’s shoulders, pulling the smaller girl closer. “We love you alot, you know that Clarke.”

“Of course, I love all of you too. I missed each one of you so much Linc. Sorry for being away for so long.”

“We understand Clarke, we all do. No worries about that.” Lincoln looked at Clarke with his deep brown eyes. “Just make sure you don’t break Lexa’s heart.”

Clarke shoved Lincoln away grinning. “Oh my god, you’re giving me the overprotective big brother speech!”

Lincoln showed his white teeth fully, laughing at Clarke’s reaction. “She’s my little cousin and my family. I gotta watch over her Clarke. Costia left a gaping hole inside of Lex, but I see you two now. I’m happy.”

“Hell, was I the only one who didn’t notice anything until now?”

Lincoln chuckled and put his hands inside his jeans pockets while he walked to the sidewalk to return to his work. “Yep. You’re pretty oblivious for being such a smart girl, Clarke.” Lincoln winked and strolled down the path back to town.

Clarke smiled and returned back to her room feeling the emptiness left by Octavia. She had to get back to work soon so Clarke made some calls to check on some patients and organize a bit of her itinerary for next week.

\--------

Clarke’s strokes were wide and wild, this painting she was working on of a tempestuous sea reminded her not of the pain she had felt when Tris had died but the pain of Lexa. Clarke didn’t have a nightmare today which meant that she was truly overcoming the loss of Tris, her dreams were now filled with chestnut hair and jade eyes staring back at her, eyes so broken that Clarke hurt for her. It was the first time that she had not used her own suffering but the pain of someone she cared about for inspiration.

The raging storm portrayed the inner turmoil that was reflected in the green of Lexa’s eyes, the reason why she used several shades of green amongst the blues to paint the ocean. The fury of the waves and the inclement wind was the fight that Lexa had inside of her. And all the darkness engulfing the skyline was what scared her the most. Those tiny glimpses she had observed from her interactions with Lexa worried Clarke deeply. That darkness was what threatened to take Lexa away from her. The woman was on the verge of losing herself, and Clarke had no idea how to help her.

Suddenly an actual storm started.  It was still early, almost 5am, and dark as the hard rain pounded the windows and the intense wind shook the doors. She could see lightning strikes exploding from the clouds to the ground as if it was splitting the night sky into two.

Clarke returned her attention to her canvas trying to finish this piece and maybe give it to Lexa as a gift before she departed. A little bit of color might brighten Lexa’s gloomy days, or at least that’s what the doctor wished. Clarke took a couple of steps back away from the canvas to have a better view when thunder roared and lightning flashed, a sudden shadow of a stranger reflected in her walls making Clarke jump.

 

“Shit!” Clarke turned around with her heart in her mouth to find Lexa standing in her running clothes in front of her sliding door completely drenched. ¨Fuck Lexa, you scared me!”

‘What the?” Clarke made a closer inspection of the woman behind the door. She left her painting materials on the table and paid attention to Lexa, who was staring at her with primal eyes, her body was shivering but her eyes were so black that she couldn't distinguish the green of her irises. She fathomed what Lexa wanted, the quickened breaths of the runner, her rabid desire was evident through the glass door. Clarke knew that if she opened that door and let Lexa in there was no going back. But she wanted her as much as Lexa appeared to want her.

Clarke took a tentative step forward, then another until she was face to face with Lexa, the glass door the only barrier between them. Clarke unlocked the door and took the handle, she slid the door to the right, opening it completely. Lexa took one step inside her bedroom, eyes never leaving hers. And she cupped her face and kissed her, a kiss as violent as the storm. There was no time to think only to react; Clarke was pressed against the drenched clothes of the taller woman. Her hair sticking to her face by the amount of water dripping on the tiles and her skin felt cold and wet. Clarke kissed her back with the same burning passion, once deeper inside her bedroom Clarke shut the door and waltzed with Lexa to her bed. Lexa lifted her hands to remove her hoodie fast, then she pulled off her sneakers and running shorts along with her tank top while Clarke tossed away her t-shirt and boxers.

Once they rid themselves of their underwear, their lips crashed again over the bed, hungry lips against hungry lips. Lexa’s hands moved over the smooth back of Clarke while Clarke pressed kisses to the tanned jaw and neck. The storm raged and their moans were muffled by its roars, and yet Clarke felt that the storm was inside her bedroom, right in her bed, hovering over her like a magnet, attracted with such a force that it was hard to breathe. Lexa took a sensitive nipple in her mouth and sucked it as if it was her sustenance, Clarke arched her back giving all the access the woman needed. When Lexa claimed her lips again, Clarke feasted on her tongue, biting and sucking it, she rolled them over so she could take control. Clarke’s hand moved over the taut abs of the brunette while she kept devouring Lexa with kisses.  There was such a ferocity and need in her kisses. Octavia was again right, she needed to get laid some time ago, but oh how Clarke was glad it was with Lexa and not with Finn or anyone else at the hospital. Lexa bit her lip bringing Clarke back to the present, she then soothed the pain with her tongue. Clarke could feel the pressure of Lexa’s thigh between her legs in a constant motion making her moan deeply, Clarke exerted more pressure over the leg, grinding it with a constant rhythm as if it were the savage waves of the sea. Clarke kept her exploring hand in motion passing the short curls of the v-junction between Lexa’s legs and reached paradise. Smoothing one finger over the aroused bundle of nerves between her wet folds once, twice and right before she could dig her fingers inside the dripping core she felt the tremors rippling through the muscles of the woman underneath her. Lexa squeezed her eyes shut and dug her fingernails in her back. The orgasm came like a tsunami destroying all in its path. Clarke was a bit surprised though, Lexa came pretty fast, although she was pretty worked up before she came into her room.

 

Lexa was breathing heavily, and when she opened her eyes Clarke saw the panic rise. “I’m so sorry. I uh, it’s been a while, and I...“  Lexa struggled as she tried to come up with an explanation for her embarrassment. “I haven’t… since Costia.”

“Oh!” Clarke now got it. “It’s okay, it’s been some time for me as well. There’s nothing to feel bad about. I plan to make you come plenty tonight so trust me, okay?”

Lexa nodded, her cheeks were flushed and the way her messy hair spilled over the mattress did things to Clarke, having Lexa pinned underneath her was a real treat. Actually it was the most amazing thing she had ever witnessed, and Clarke hoped she could have this, if only Lexa let her.

This time Clarke did take her time kissing Lexa with such tenderness, they weren’t two horny teenagers for fuck’s sake, Clarke had to show some restraint at first but now she had her nerves under control and Lexa felt more at ease now, moving slowly against each other. Clarke spent several minutes finding out what Lexa liked or disliked, making sure that if Lexa sent her a sign of disapproval she was going to stop. And so Clarke kissed her lazily, touched every curve of her tanned skin, her mouth traveled every inch of her abdomen, and she delighted at her perky breasts. Lexa’s whimpers and sounds were the most incredible things that Clarke had ever heard. She couldn’t deny that there was a tint of jealousy just thinking that this what Costia had at her disposal, this incredible woman only for her.

Clarke shifted her current position and moved between Lexa’s legs, this time she made sure that Lexa was ready. “Is this okay?” Lexa bit her lip and nodded. ¨Please.” Clarke smiled and flicked her tongue drinking the ambrosia of the gods, the sacred liquid that was all Lexa and she feasted on her. Torturing with slow movements to sudden taps with her tongue. Clarke had to hold the greedy hips bucking for release with her right hand so she could thrust inside with her left. Her fingers were welcomed with a tightness that almost made Clarke orgasm, she pushed with reverence, with so much love and desire to show how much Clarke wanted this to work. “Clarke, I’m…”

“It’s okay. Let go.” The slow build-up became unbearable, and Lexa came a second time. Clarke collapsed on top after her hard work, she sucked her fingers tasting Lexa, making her moan. Clarke crawled up the bed to match Lexa’s position and cuddled her, she dropped a kiss on the sweaty shoulder marveling at the back tattoo that she clearly missed. “This is so gorgeous.” She traced the patterns as if she was touching a sculpture, with diligence and regard. She then dropped small kisses over the black ink covering each part of the tattoo with her lips.

“It’s not finished. Costia suggested some ideas but… I don’t know anymore.”

“I can help you with that if you want? I think that your skin is the perfect canvas to work with.”

Lexa rolled on her back to face Clarke. Lexa curved her tight lips into a smile, “sounds good to me,” and entangled in her fingers gold locks of hair to play with them, pulling them softly. “I think that you need a check-up Doctor Griffin.” Lexa leaned in sucking her earlobe and pulling it with her teeth.

Clarke giggled at the action. “Oh is that so?”

“Mhmm.” Lexa nipped and bit her neck leaving red smudges that were going to bruise later. “I think I have the remedy for that.”

“Very well Miss Woods, show me what you got.”

She did.

________________

_Lexa pulled Costia closer to her body, she was kissing her shoulders holding her tight against her body. “Don’t answer the phone baby.” Lexa begged, peppering Costia with more tender kisses._

_“It’s work honey. Let me get the call, okay?”_

_Lexa sighed but agreed nonetheless._

_“Yes? Oh hi, no not at all” Costia laughed and sat on the bed leaning against the headboard of their queen bed. “Yes ma’am I have the file ready for that case.” Lexa rolled her eyes, she was tired of hearing her wife discuss work with her bitchy boss. She moved to Costia’s abdomen licking the drops of sweat making Costia chuckle. She slapped her ass and mouthed ‘Stop that!’ Lexa sat on Costia’s lap playing with her boobs making the lawyer roll her eyes. “I understand, yes I um, I’ll take the first flight tomorrow.”_

_At that Lexa’s smiled was erased from her face and she frowned deeply. She shook her head, “tell her to fuck off!”_

_Costia covered the speaker with her hand. “Baby this is important.”_

_“We are important!”_

_Costia scolded Lexa with her eyes and kept discussing work with her boss, Lexa removed herself from Costia and turned on her side of the bed. After several more minutes Costia finally concluded the call and spooned Lexa. “Babe, don’t get mad.” She kissed the cheek of her wife. “It’s a multi-million dollar case and she wants me in.” Costia kept showering her wife with kisses.  “Lex, come on!”_

_Lexa huffed. “Costia, your work is messing up our life as a couple. Everytime we’re in the middle of something that woman calls with a request. I am so tired!”_

_“Baaaabe, don’t be like this. I have always made up for it and you know it.” Costia’s hands started to roam over the long legs that she loved to caress. “There’s no need to be jealous sweetie, you’re my woman forever.”_

_“I’m not jealous Costia!”_

_Costia grinned. “Okay you’re not, but I admit I was during some time.”_

_Lexa frowned tilting her body to look at her spouse. “You were? When?”_

_“Remember when we talked about your crazy adventures every summer?”_

_“Yes?”_

_“You mentioned that girl, Clara? Claire?”_

_“Clarke. So?”_

_“She was your first love Lex. And I envied her for being so close to you. I know that you will always have a special place for your first love in your heart, and that made me feel a bit jealous.”_

_Lexa smiled briefly thinking about the summers that were gone. “Clarke left and you're my wife. There’s no need to feel jealousy when I love only you.”_

_“Yes I am.” Costia pulled Lexa into a kiss. “I’ll always come back to you. I’m not going anywhere baby. Clarke might have been your first but I’ll be your last.”_

_“You promise?” Lexa pulled her wife back into her arms._

_“Promise babe. I’m yours until my last breath.”_

_“Last breath is not enough. Forever sounds about right.” Lexa sighed in defeat. “Fine. Do what you have to do but come back quickly Cos. I love you.”_

\------

Lexa woke up breathing heavily, she looked around and noticed that this wasn’t her home. And clearly the blonde hair shining with the sun sprawled over the pillow next to her didn’t belong to her wife. The smooth porcelain skin of Clarke’s back had several bruises as a result of their lovemaking during the early morning, now the storm had passed, the sun was out and glowing on the horizon. The doctor was in a deep sleep and she was so damn beautiful, like an angel from heaven. Lexa felt true happiness, being with this woman, sharing a bed with her first love, the one she wanted when she was just a scrawny girl.  She was in awe at how their bodies entangled naturally, matching like two pieces of a puzzle, as if Clarke was a part of her that she missed, and today they have been put back together.

But Lexa didn’t deserve happiness, not when she felt the heavy weight of the ring she still wore in her left hand. Lexa was angry with herself, disgusted by her weakness. After that kiss with Clarke, her body had yearned for that human contact, had desired the thrill of entangling her body with someone else’s. She was weak for succumbing to the physical pleasure of the flesh, weak for betraying her wife. After almost a year of no sex, of not pleasuring herself, she thought she was never going to crave anyone else, but Clarke blew everything out the window, all her plans, all of her determination to remain faithful to Costia forever was ruined.

“I’m sorry Clarke.” Lexa whispered and leaned down to kiss her temple apologetically. “I can’t do this.” Lexa rolled off the bed and put on her dirty clothes quickly. Her wife was meant to be her last and she had to keep her word. _Forever_. There was no point pursuing this when Clarke had to leave again. Costia chose her and Lexa chose Costia, that’s how it was supposed to be until they aged together, but life flipped the middle finger to the entrepreneur and took her wife after 3 years of marriage. Lexa was a 33 year old woman with no future, with no right to be happy because all of that went down the drain the day Costia died

“Goodbye Clarke.”

Lexa pulled the hoodie over her head and snuck through the backyard and onto the beach to go back home, to her empty bed and the memories of the woman she killed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are starting to move forward for our lovely couple. Time for Clarke to deal with her feelings and for lexa to stop fighting hers.
> 
> Leave your comments below and thanks as usual to the faithful readers,
> 
> xoxo
> 
> Tana


	5. Chapter 5

The sound of waves could be heard from the bedroom, a sound so peaceful and relaxing. The sun had appeared on the horizon hours ago, but it wasn't until now that Clarke stirred in bed. She stretched her arms and back lazily, with a content smile on her face. Her body was satisfied and her heart was excited. Clarke moved her hand blindly to the other side of the queen bed, however, she was met with empty cold sheets.

“Lexa?” Clarke’s groggy voice was an indication of her sleepiness, her movements were slow and sloppy, she finally cracked opened her eyes, blinking several times to adjust to the sunlight filtering through the curtains. She sat up in the bed and finally turned to look at the empty space left by Lexa.

Clarke pulled her knees up to her chest and leaned her head down on her knees and sighed. “Why do you have to make this so hard?” The blonde asked no one. She thought that last night they had a connection, something that was beyond the physicality of the mere act of providing pleasure to one another. Clarke had seen real emotion in Lexa’s eyes for the first time, eyes that were finally alive and filled with excitement, lust and love.  Clarke had been simply ecstatic at finally tasting the warm skin of the woman who had eluded her all her childhood and teen years. The mystery of Lexa Woods was unraveling before her eyes and last night she felt such a strong pull towards her and Clarke knew Lexa felt it too. This attraction was much deeper than Clarke initially thought.

 

“No way in hell, Lexa. You’re not running away from this.” Clarke rolled off the bed and padded to the shower with determination to speak with Lexa and let her know that this couldn’t be a one-night stand.  This was way more than that and Lexa knew it because she felt it just like Clarke. When Clarke passed in front of the mirror she had to backtrack her steps and look at her naked form covered with bruises. Her cheeks turned a deeper shade of pink while she admired Lexa’s work on her skin. Marks of possession on her neck and collarbone, her hips and thighs. Once Lexa relaxed into her and forgot about their differences and the tension between them, she let them get in touch with their feelings.  It had been easy, explosive and satisfying in that moment.

Clarke smiled because this was evidence that they had really been together and it wasn’t a dream. She kept walking and got into the shower. Opening the spray of water until the temperature felt good on her skin. The pain and throbbing between her legs reminded her of every ministration Lexa provided.

 

Clarke came to Polis to find herself again, she never thought that among the things she was going to find was love, particularly coming from the girl who she had assumed hated her with passion, Lexa Woods.

Clarke was eager to discover these new feelings and to try to make sense of it all with Lexa, however, Lexa had been a difficult woman to deal with so far. Always sassing her and pushing her away whenever she tried to get close. Lexa’s behavior was confusing her, sometimes Lexa seemed to open up and be honest with her actions, other times she simply denied everything that happened between them and acted cold. Clarke understood that Lexa was in a really dark place right now and had been since she lost Costia. Anya had said so and Octavia had warned her about getting close to such a volatile person, but all Clarke could see was a lonely woman who couldn’t cope with loss. Lexa only needed to find the path to truly living again and maybe Clarke was the person to help her do it. Clarke wanted to be the one to do it, after last night she had no doubts that she was indeed falling in love with this hard headed woman.

\--------

When Clarke reached the town’s commercial area she parked in front of _Woodstock Supplies_. The doors were locked and Clarke frowned wondering if she was early, but when she checked her watch it was way past 11am. Lexa opened at 8am. She tried to look beyond the closed doors of the small business sticking her face to the glass, but she didn’t catch any movement inside. Clarke took a step back from the door and putting her hands over her hips as she wondered what to do now.

She took her cellphone out of her handbag and called Anya. If someone could give her answers, it was the oldest cousin of the Woods family.

 

“Hey Anya, I was wondering if Lexa is with you.”

_“No, she is supposed to be at the shop now.”_

“The store is closed.” Clarke turned around to face the rest of the town, seeing how people moved on with their daily routines, hunters gathering their equipment as well as fishermen going to the beach.

_“Really? That's weird she never fails to open whether it rains or the apocalypse happens. Maybe she feels pretty sick.”_

“I really need to speak with her right now Anya, does she still lives with her aunt Indra?”

_“No, not since some years ago Doc. She bought a house after she got married, actually it’s one block from your beach house.”_

“If it’s not too much to ask, can you give me her address?”

Anya hesitated for a minute, Clarke assumed that Anya was thinking why on earth would Clarke stop by at her cousin’s house. “Look Anya it’s nothing bad. Promise.”

Anya chuckled on the other end of the line. _“Okay that's a relief, here I was thinking that Lexa was giving you a hard time again. Lexa has good and bad days Clarke, maybe she needs some time off.”_

“I understand Anya but I really need to speak with her. Lexa and I… well it's complicated but I need to see her right now.”

_“Okay, that sounds indeed messy. You got somewhere to write?”_

Clarke affirmed.

_“Good and Clarke, thanks for not giving up on her.”_

Clarke quickly wrote the address on a receipt she had in her pocket.. “Got it, thanks Anya. I’ll see you later.” She shoved the phone in her purse, returned to her car and headed to Lexa’s place following Anya’s instructions.

\--------

The drive had been fast since Polis was a small town and traffic was basically nonexistent, what a contrast with DC where it could get pretty stressful by the different rhythm of life. Life in Polis could be really good, however, Clarke had a responsibility to each of her patients, a life of dedication to them back in DC. She didn’t have a life here, not like Lexa who was born and raised in Polis. Things might get really complicated if things moved forward with her, still, Clarke had to speak with the woman and clear things between them. She needed to find where they stood, as friends, friends with benefits or something else. Clarke hoped they could be something else, something everlasting.

 

She parked the car when she arrived at the small house on the other side of the beach, no wonder the Lexa ran on the beach every day having access from it from her house as well. Clarke had a nice view of the ocean from where she was standing and the breeze felt soft over her skin. Clarke headed to the front door passing a small garden and knocked on the wooden door. “Lexa, it’s Clarke. Can we talk, please?”

No response.

Clarke knocked again, this time with more force making sure that wherever Lexa was she could hear. “Lexa you didn’t go to the store, I know you’re here. Open up please!”

Clarke sighed. “Seriously, why did I have to lay eyes on the most difficult person on Earth?” Clarke groaned and peeked through the window, the place was pretty dark, only the sun creeping through the curtains lighted the gloomy place. “Lexa?” Clarke called again. Seeing that there was still no response, she walked around the house peeking through the windows and hoping no one would call the police. Clarke found the back door and tried it, and thankfully it was open.

 

“Lexa? It’s Clarke.” Clarke walked inside the house through the kitchen area. It was a small kitchen, but the first thing that she noticed was the amount of packed foods and boxes in the trashcan and over the counter.

“What have you been eating?” Clarke passed through the messy kitchen worried about Lexa’s terrible eating habits. She reached the living room where there was a love seat and a table. On the table she spotted the coloring book she gave her. Clarke moved to the living room and took the book in her hands, scanning through the pages, she noticed how much Lexa had been coloring. But what captured the attention of the doctor were the smudges and the way the colors ran off of the edges as if water had splashed on the book.

“You were crying.”

In the corner there was a TV that was used probably when she invited her cousins to hang out with her and watch movies, but it was covered in dust as if it had not been used in a long time.

 

Clarke explored Lexa’s place slowly but with determination, it was a nice cozy home.  There was some decoration but in general the place was pretty simple. Clarke tried to imagine the happy moments that Lexa had in this place, a place that now looked haunted and abandoned. This was not a place for Lexa to be living, she probably was hanging on to all the memories she made here and that was killing her softly, she was torturing herself.

Clarke carefully pushed open the bathroom door that was slightly ajar and saw Lexa’s running clothes from earlier that morning scattered on the floor.  Her heart started beating faster when she realized that blood was splattered on the floor beside a pill bottle.  Clarked dropped to her knees and grabbed the bottle and read the tag.  Thankfully, it was a type of antidepressant rather than a sleeping pill, but that didn’t mean that Lexa was ok. The blonde lifted her gaze, “holy shit.” The mirror had been smashed in the center shattering most of it into tiny pieces. “What did you do?” Clarke was now worried and moved faster through the darkened place until she reached the last door at the end of the hall.

 

“Lexa?” Clarke pushed the door a little looking through the crack. She saw the bed empty and the covers in their place meaning Lexa didn't sleep in her bed, but as soon as she entered the bedroom fully, she saw the brunette behind the bed, lying on the hard cold floor in her underwear probably asleep. Dried blood from her knuckles covered her right forearm, and she was holding a portrait close to her chest.

Clarke’s heart clenched, the woman was curled up holding that frame for dear life. She kneeled softly and gently touched her arm. “Lexa? Wake up Lex. It’s Clarke.”

“Go away.” Lexa mumbled and curled into a tighter ball.

“Lexa please, let me help you. You’re hurt.” Clarke sat on the floor trying to pull Lexa up. “Come on. Give me a hand here.”

“Leave!”

“I’m not going anywhere Lexa.” Clarke pulled the blanket from the bed and threw it over the cold clammy skin of Lexa. “I’m going to take care of you so stop bitching about it and help me!” Clarke demanded not giving any room for discussion.

Lexa grunted but she sat upright nonetheless, now with daylight Clarke could see in detail the toned body of her childhood nemesis. The tattoos covering her body looked like a masterpiece on skin tanned by the unforgiving Polis sun, all hard muscle without an ounce of fat, washboard abs covered by thin scars, probably a knife, and the back had fresh scratches left by Clarke, evidence that they had a very passionate encounter hours earlier.

Lexa was a gorgeous woman, nothing compared to the bony little girl who never wanted to play with her when they were young. Clarke extended her hand, palm up expectantly, Lexa finally eyed Clarke with certain apprehension, but she gave her the portrait nonetheless. Clarke put the frame on a night table. “I’ll get my first aid kit in my car, be right back.”

 

Once she took out her kit from her trunk, she returned to the bedroom. Lexa was in the same position she left her in, sitting with knees close to her chest covered by the blanket. Clarke kneeled in front of her, both knees on the floor, _seiza_ style. She took the right arm and examined it closer. “You have some shards stuck in your skin. I’m going to pull them out, okay?” Lexa didn’t say anything, she was very still, but she nodded slightly giving her consent. The doctor put on gloves and started to take out the glass from the busted hand; Lexa didn't even flinch. Clarke was careful as if she were treating one of her little patients, and she started to tell a story to make the broken woman relax while she disinfected the wound and cleaned away all of the blood.

“...and when the fish took the bait I pulled the fishing rod with all my strength, my dad helped me pull the rod and together we took out the fish and I was amazed, the fish was so big. I was so excited that day, it’s one of my dearest memories here. My mom took a picture of my dad and me with the fish and then we let the fish go.” Clarke began wrapping the hand once she had disinfected it, making sure the cuts were properly cleaned.

“Yes, I remember. You came talking nonstop one day and retold the story to my cousins and Raven. You were smiling like a dork and jumping mimicking how you took out the fish with the help of your dad.” Lexa told with a smirk.

“Seriously? You remember all that? I thought you were ignoring me.”

“I always paid attention to you Clarke, whether I wanted to or not.”

Clarke felt her heart jump, how could she had been so blind as a kid? Lexa was indifferent and if she tried to talk with her, Lexa shot back a rude reply.  She could have never imagined that all of that had to do with Lexa crushing on her. Everyone saw it except her.

 

“You were pretty good at being all grumpy and broody, we could have saved many years of hostility between us if you simply joined me and your cousins and acted friendly towards me.”

Clarke kept wrapping the hand with the bandages, Lexa winced a bit but she remained in place not moving a single muscle while Clarke worked. “I couldn’t be friends with you because you were going to leave anyway Clarke. I wanted to forget about my stupid attraction to you and keeping you away helped lessen the pain. It’s not your fault though, I never made it easy for you to notice me anyway.”

“I’m sorry Lexa. I never meant to hurt you, I swear it never crossed my mind that you would like me in any way. But I did notice you. Always.” Clarke securely sealed the bandages with tape. “I know you must be in pain, do you want something to help with that?”

“No thanks. I deserve the pain.”

Clarke removed the latex gloves and threw everything inside a nearby trash can.  ”No you don’t. Why do you think that?”

“Because I’m a liar. I betrayed my wife!”

“You’re not a liar Lexa and you can’t betray your wife because she's-”

“NO! Don’t say it.” Lexa growled.

 

Clarke took a look at the frame and noticed the details of Lexa and her wife Costia in the picture. They were hugging on the beach, the sunset as background. Lexa smiling and Costia leaning on her shoulder. Clarke had never seen Lexa like that, with such a carefree attitude. Lexa never smiled, at least not to her and that made her feel a tint of envy.  “She was very pretty and you can see how much she loved you. I bet you two had a wonderful time that day.” Clarke took the empty spot on the floor beside Lexa. “But Costia’s gone and I know she would be heartbroken to see the woman she loved in this state. You don't have to forget her Lexa, no one would ever ask you to do that, but you need to keep on living. You’re self-destructing and you know how much Anya and Lincoln love you. Let them help.” Clarke paused. “Let _me_ help.”

Lexa bowed her head looking at the tiles and started to play with the ring she wore on her left hand. The ring that bound her to Costia forever. “I promised forever when I accepted this ring.”

“Forever doesn’t exist Lexa. We’re lucky enough to live a moment, and to find happiness in that moment is a blessing. You found it.” Clarke stood up from the floor and opened the curtains to let the sunlight in and to have the marvelous view to the coast line. “I learned that in the hospital. My patients are so young and full of life, but they just have a tiny moment, not even close to what we have Lexa. Tris had so many hopes and dreams and she’s gone. Seven years, that’s how long she had. I met you when I was 9, Tris will never have the chance to find someone to annoy.” Clarke chuckled. “But you’re still here Lexa, so please don’t let this darkness take you away from all the people who love you.” Clarke turned around to face Lexa.

 

Lexa finally rose from the floor, her eyes were watering, and she was clearly holding her tears back. “Why don't you go away once and for all? Let me return to my life Clarke!” She ran her fingers through her chestnut hair and then her words came tumbling one after the other. “I had this under control, I could deal with this but then you came back and I… and I... I don’t know what to do with… this. So please just leave me alone!”

Clarke walked towards the angry brunette and hugged her instead of simply leaving, pulling the woman in her arms hard until she could feel what her words couldn’t convey.  Lexa was stunned, surprised by the sudden and unexpected move. When Lexa lashed out at people they let her be, but of course, Clarke Griffin wasn’t anybody.

“This is no life Lexa, you’ve been hurting yourself and that’s enough. _You_ deserve better than this! _We_ deserve better! Don’t you think?” Lexa softened and leaned her head into Clarke’s neck. Clarke patted her back, caressing her tenderly until Lexa calmed again.

“Maybe we do.” Lexa answered softly.

After a moment of silence Clarke pulled apart from the embrace and helped Lexa sit in a chair. Clarke kneeled in front of Lexa looking her in her eyes.

“Your friends and family support you. I’m here or at least I want to be, if you let me.”

Lexa nodded in acceptance.

“I’m going to prepare something to eat while you shower and then we can talk. If you need me to help you cover the bandages just call.” Clarke rested her hand over Lexa’s bare leg, a flush crept onto Lexa’s face but she nodded again. Clarke smiled and headed to the kitchen hoping that Lexa had ingredients to cook something decent.

\--------

Clarke made an omelette for each of them and poured juice in two large glasses. After showering, Lexa looked a bit better. Still, she was so depressed and confused that the shadows under her eyes were going to linger for quite some time. But things appeared to be moving forward.

Lexa looked at the table all set, the warm food waiting for her. Lexa took a deep breath and sat down. “It’s been awhile since someone cooked for me.” Lexa took the fork and tried the eggs. At the first bite she closed her eyes, enjoying the diversity of flavors.

“You need to care more for the quality of food you put in your mouth Lexa. I know you have no motivation to do that but keep in mind those who still remain by your side. They want you strong and healthy.” Clarke ate more enthusiastically than Lexa, she was starving.

“I know that. My shrink says that I need to trust my family but it’s hard when you only end up hurting them more, if I don’t get better or improve in the next month he might change the medication too. I don’t know if I can do this.” Lexa commented still eating each portion slowly, chewing with true gusto.

“I saw the pills, I know basic psychiatry and those meds should be helping with the mood swings and anxiety issues. You’ll improve if you keep up the regimen and nourish your body properly.” Clarke smiled confidently and Lexa couldn’t understand why Clarke trusted her so much.  She was unreliable all the time, she had disappointed Anya over and over again, and maybe her cousin was tired of fighting for her, tired of carrying such a bothersome and useless woman.

 

“Why do you care about me Clarke, really? I’m not worth the time of a famous surgeon, you should be enjoying your vacation not stuck here with a depressed woman who will ruin your life.” Lexa kept eating, as if being unworthy was a well known fact.

“Why wouldn’t I care?” Clarke left her cutlery on her now empty plate, staring at Lexa in wonder.

“I don’t know. My parents didn’t. They left me with Aunt Indra because I wasn’t worthy. Costia left me too, she was too busy with her work and I…” Lexa sighed. “It’s all my fault - for being gay, for being jealous.” Lexa clenched her fists but Clarke covered Lexa’s hands with hers to soothe her. Lexa looked at Clarke and added, “for not acting upon my feelings you left me too.” Lexa retrieved her hand from Clarke's hold and finally finished her food, wiped her mouth with a napkin and drank more juice.

The two women cleaned the table and were standing awkwardly in the middle of the living room.

 

Clarke had never questioned why Lexa lived with her aunt, little did she know that her parents abandoned her and regarding Costia, Clarke was starting to understand much better what was happening between them to make Lexa take the blame for the accident. “I care about people, being a doctor only cemented that. And like I said, even when we never got along I tried to get close to you because I cared. You mattered to me Lexa. I was trying so hard to be your friend.” Clarke smiled, “Remember when we played 7 minutes in heaven?”

Lexa’s cheeks tinted pink, a clear sign that she did remember. The brunette nodded anyway.

“I asked you to give me a reason why you hated me. I had no idea that you were attracted to me but Anya did. Raven did. Hell, even little Linc did. Everyone but me. I wanted to hear from you a logical reason behind such bitchiness.  Even when Raven asked if we were kissing that had to be a clue, but I denied such a thing cos a girl like you could never lay eyes on me.” Clarke laughed, her smile spreading on her face easily. “According to Octavia, that was because I was probably crushing on you as well. And maybe, Octavia was right. I did talk about you all the time in the hospital, you know?  I remember that the best times in Polis were spent bickering with you, not playing pirates with Anya, or hiding from Raven. It was always you.”

Lexa arched her brows not quite believing what Clarke was saying.

“So I always cared Lexa, we were just too busy fighting with one another to see it.” Clarke was being as honest as she could, opening her heart to Lexa so she could see that there was nothing to fear from her. It was incredible that even though they were this close Lexa was still far away. Clarke knew that she had to be patient, Lexa was scared to make a mistake with her, to open up and it was clear that Lexa couldn’t take anymore heartbreak. “I know you’re scared Lexa, I know that there’s only so much you can take but I ask you, don’t fear this. If you want this as much as I do, take my hand and together we’ll fight this. Please.” Clarke took a step closer, she was face to face with Lexa. “Don’t push me away.” Clarke leaned in and kissed her.

The kiss had not been a spur of the moment like their previous kisses, this time it was soft,  tender, a kiss that transferred all the words and hopes of the doctor into the businesswoman.

Lexa kissed Clarke but in her mind she was trying to find a way to deny this chance. Yet Clarke was so pure and open, and she had always loved this girl. Life was giving her an opportunity, but Lexa couldn’t bring the girl she had always loved since she saw her bright smile and blue eyes into this shithole of her life. If Lexa could do something right for once, that had to be protect Clarke from her darkness. Lexa broke the kiss with regret.

“You’re going to leave Clarke, you don’t belong in this place, you are needed in TonDC. Forget about anything that happened between us.” Lexa took a step away from the blonde. “Thank you Clarke for being a good friend.  I will try to do better, but I can’t fall in love.”

Clarke sighed looking at the tiles on the floor. “Right, of course we’re friends Lexa. No problem.”

 

Clarke left Lexa’s place with an overwhelming sadness filling her heart. She had hoped to make Lexa see what she had in front of her, but she knew it was going to take more than a kiss and a couple of words to change her mind.

“I’m not done here. I will show you how to love again you stubborn broody gay asshole!”

______________

The rest of the week Lexa kept to herself, selling supplies to the inhabitants of Polis and dealing with normalcy, except for the fact that Clarke Griffin, M.D. went into the store every single day. The reason was that Clarke would give her a tupperware with food for lunch and  Clarke stopped at her house at night to pick up the empty containers to repeat the drill the next day. _“This is what friends are for,”_ Clarke had said to her.

Lexa was really happy to feel cared for by someone who wasn’t her family. However, she feared that she would ruin things with Clarke just as she did with Costia.  Her only option was to keep things on a friendly level.

 

The bell of the store rang and her cousin Anya strolled through the store until she reached her small office.

“Little cousin, when are you going to stop hiding from Clarke, huh?” Anya pulled the chair in front of Lexa’s desk and sat.

“I’m not hiding.”

“Yes you are. You declined to come with us to the beach to kayak on Tuesday, on Wednesday we went to the woods to hike and you came up with another lame excuse, today you’re stuck again in the store avoiding a trip to the bar tonight with us.” Anya smiled. “Tell me I’m wrong you little shit.”

Lexa couldn’t deny that.

 

“Is it because you feel bad for banging her? I mean she brings you lunch everyday, so she clearly enjoyed it.”

Lexa’s brows shot up in surprise. Anya never went around the bushes and had to spill things right as they came. Lexa mumbled several unintelligible words.

Anya laughed heartily. “Did you think that we weren't going to notice Clarke’s marks when we went to the beach? You fucking devoured the Doctor and we bothered her all day, you had to see how red her face was, little cousin.”

“That was a mistake. We are only friends Anya.” Lexa pointed out, her face not giving anything away, but Anya knew her too well. The woman stood up and slapped the back of her head just like she did when they were kids.

“Bullshit!” Anya crossed her arms ready to lecture Lexa. “You fucking love blondie Lexa. This is life giving you a second chance. Costia was a great woman, we cared for her because she was yours, but you and I know that in the last year you two had more fights and make up sex than was healthy for a couple.  Your marriage was failing!”

 

Lexa clenched her jaw, she had wanted to bury all her mistakes, forget how crappy the last month she spent with Costia had been, the endless arguments and fights. Costia’s job was interfering with Lexa’s dreams. Lexa knew that Costia had a rough time adapting to the more quiet life on the coast, but Lexa pushed hard to keep her marriage, she started to give up on things she loved for her. To stop being who she really was and in the end Lexa was bitter and angry.

“Yes, you know it and I know it Lex. If Costia had not died that night I bet my virgin ass that you two would be divorced by now!” Anya spat. Anya had to be tough with Lexa because she was so tired of seeing someone as strong and proud be so broken, diminished to a vague shadow of who she was.

Lexa propped her elbows on her desk holding between her hands her head. “Yes. Probably.” Next she added, “we fought that night.”

 

Anya frowned, Lexa had never spoken about what happen that ominous night and she returned to her chair to listen to her cousin. Lexa believed Clarke, she believed that she had to trust in the people that loved her and who better than Anya to listen.

Lexa eyed her cousin and continued. “Costia wanted to move to DC permanently. I didn't want to. I knew her boss had the hots for her but Costia was naive, she couldn't see it. We argued and said horrible things to one another.  I was jealous and frustrated and said a lot of things that I regretted later. We were both furious when she left and after I calmed down I called her  to apologize but it was too late. I felt so guilty Anya, I took the blame because I knew that my marriage was crumbling. Because I felt that all the things I said were the cause of our failure. I loved her Anya but…”

“Sometimes love is not enough Lex.” Anya stood up and came around the desk to hug her cousin. Anya ruffled Lexa’s hair. “You can start again dummy, Doctor Clarke clearly loves you, she endured all your bitchiness during our childhood and she’s still enduring it. Don’t let this slip from your hands again Lexa. Come with us tonight and start again.”

\--------

Lexa had been walking on the beach for some time now.  After closing the shop she couldn't go back home, not when Anya’s words were resonating in her head. Second chances. Life was giving her a new opportunity and Lexa couldn’t be stupid enough to keep ignoring it. Clarke was understanding and if the blonde wasn't afraid to deal with her shit maybe things wouldn't be so bad. Lexa kept her pace until she reached the woods, she moved through the thickness of the foliage until she reached her destination.

Lexa took several more steps and stopped in front of the headstone.

 

“Hey Costia. I’m back.” Lexa put her hands inside her pockets and breathed in the cold air blowing from the coast. “I’m doing better thanks to Clarke. She is like a bright star and she makes me happy, Cos. I want to love her. I want to be good to her, but I’m scared. What if I hurt her like I hurt you? What if Clarke gets tired of dealing with me?” Lexa shifted her weight from one foot to the other. “I loved you Anacostia, I really did. You made me happy for 3 years, we had our problems, but somehow we kept it together.” Lexa pulled the ring from her finger and held it between her fingers. “This was my commitment to you. I swore to love you and I did. I deserve better, or at least someone thinks so.” Lexa took a step over the grave and left the ring on top of the headstone. For some reason Lexa felt that a weight had been lifted from her shoulders, as if her sins weren't so heavy anymore. “I have to try to move on, Cos. I won't forget you, I will carry the happy moments we shared in my heart. Anya is right, I should try to fight for Clarke. You know how much I loved her.  My first love wants me, Costia.” Lexa smiled. ”It’s like a dream come true. I can’t quit now that I can reach the stars, so help me Cos to not fuck this up.”

Lexa took a step back glancing at the ring shining on top of the headstone, she could feel in her gut that she was doing the right thing. “Your fight is over Costia.” Lexa turned around walked back into town.

She hoped that Clarke still wanted to hold her hand, that Clarke could give her heart a break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter left before the end. Hope you are enjoying it so far buddies. As always feel free to drop a comment below or in my tumblr askbox.
> 
> All the love,
> 
> Tana.


	6. Chapter 6

Polis is not only beautiful beaches with crystalline water and thick woods in the mountains. Polis is a town with hardworking people who are kind and lovely. A wonderfully relaxed and quiet town, a perfect place to live. A special place where a girl of only 9 years met amazing friends. It was also the place where a 32 year old woman found the possibility of love.

 

Saturday arrived fast. After almost two weeks away from DC, she had one last day to enjoy all that Polis had to offer. Today’s sunset was something to behold, the sky fused with the ocean in a mixture of colors. Clarke painted the colors on her canvas, trying to accurately capture the majestic sight. The doctor mixed an array of colors on her palette - various shades of blue, orange, yellow, green and even red.  Painting is normally an act of joy and stress release, but today she painted with pain and longing in her heart.

These past two weeks a flame had started to burn in her. A flame for a woman who was damaged and broken, making it damn hard to reach her. Clarke ached for her.  No matter how hard she tried to make her see that not everything was lost, Lexa continually pushed her away.

_Friends_

This word should be banned from the dictionary. She didn’t want to be friends with Lexa, they had never been friends, they fought and insulted each other, bickered all the time during the 9 summers Clarke spent in Polis. Here she is 15 years later and she just discovered that the main reason for their constant fights was that annoying Lexa Woods had been in love with her. And now that Clarke has developed feelings for that stuck up bitch, Lexa didn’t want to have a relationship with her. The ghost of her wife standing between them.

Clarke had tried. She really did try. She spent all week cooking for Lexa, trying to be a good friend, making sure she was well taken care of, but Lexa wouldn’t even talk to her.  Instead Clarke hung out with her other childhood friends, Lexa’s cousins and Raven Reyes. Lexa refused to join them and no matter what she, Anya or Lincoln said to the younger Woods, she simply refused them.

 

“God fucking dammit!” Clarke sighed, observing the mess she had made on the canvas. Her own nightmares had disappeared, the death of Tris was something that she came to terms with while in this place. The thing that was perturbing Clarke now was Lexa’s stubbornness and rejection. Clarke knew that Lexa loved her as much as Clarke loved her. The night that they fucked like two teenagers in heat, Clarke felt Lexa, her body spoke for her. She felt her love and desire. But no, that damn woman denied every single thing that has been going on between them since Clarke arrived in Polis. Clarke was exhausted.

_Friends_

That’s what she was supposed to be for that girl. Clarke could try to be the friend Lexa badly needed, but Clarke knew she could do so much more. She could love her as much as Costia did, maybe more, who really knew, because she might never have the chance to prove it to her.

 

Clarke checked her watch and noticed that it was almost time to meet Anya and Raven at the bar for their ladies night. They didn't want to leave Lincoln out, but he had to go to the harbor to fix some boats.  Therefore it was going to be girls only.

Clarke grabbed her painting materials and stored them back in her room. She showered and changed clothes. Clarke took a look around her bedroom. There were clothes scattered around, and she needed to start packing her bags before leaving tomorrow night. Clearly that wasn’t going to happen today.

\--------

The bar was pretty small and cozy. The lights were dimmed and music could be heard from the speakers on the ceiling. The tables were filled with mostly adults since the young people rather spend their nights at the beach or in the woods than in the only bar in Polis.

Clarke made her way into the bar trying to spot her friends.

At a table near the end of the bar Clarke caught Raven waving at her, Clarke smiled in recognition and made her way to the table - disappointed that Lexa apparently refused to see her on her last night in Polis.

Anya was seated beside Raven leaving the other side of the table available. Clarke slid in the chair and greeted her friends.

“Hey Raven. How are you Anya?”

“So, last night in Polis.” Raven commented leaning on the table. “This has to be a great farewell party for you Doctor G.”

“It’s gonna be an unforgettable experience.” Anya winked and called the waiter to begin their night. “Three beers and mozarella sticks for this loser.” Anya requested.

The waitress, a young girl whose name tag read Monroe took note. “Got it, be right back with the beers Anya.”

“Thanks Roe.” Anya smiled giving a half-lidded look at the girl.

“You’re disgusting.” Raven propped her elbow over the table, holding her head in her palm and looking at Anya. “You have to flirt with everything that moves, don't you?”

Anya shrugged with one shoulder. “What can I say, the Woods have to put our good genes to use.”

Clarke laughed. “Not all Woods, though.”

Raven took some nuts from the nearby platter and munched them. “You bitter cos Lex doesn’t give a shit about you Doc?”

“Lexa is being an idiot, Clarke. Apologies on behalf of my little cousin.”

“Yeah, a complete idiot.” Clarke welcomed the beer as soon as Monroe brought the three glasses filled with the golden liquid and the food for Raven.

“I have talked to her though.” Anya took a sip from her beer. “Lexa knows that she’s being unreasonable. She opened up to me and that was big. Don’t give up Clarke, please.”

“I understand Anya, I get that Lexa misses her wife, but damn. How can I compete with a memory? The ghost of Costia won’t let her see what we have.”

“Clarke, you don’t give up.” Raven was cheerfully eating her mozzarella sticks, dipping them in the sauce. “Being totally honest here. Costia was a good person, but she didn’t see Lexa for who she was. I’m hoping she can give herself a chance with you Clarkey. Lexa and you are so good together, it makes me envious.” Raven laughed while dipping more sticks in the sauce.

Clarke smiled faintly. “What does it matter anymore? I’m leaving so…”

 

The three women kept drinking beers and eating the rest of the night. Chatting and already organizing Clarke’s next vacation in Polis. They laughed and had a good time. Drinking the weirdest cocktails and shots that the bartender could come up with, testing Clarke’s ability to drink all the booze like a champ.

It was almost time to close up, so Anya paid the tab and right before they left, the brunette with green eyes entered the bar.

Clarke stopped on her tracks. Lexa was here. She wasn't imagining things, she wasn’t that drunk. Lexa wore a grey sleeveless shirt with tight black jeans and her signature boots. The woman had her hair loose, and she stood by the door looking at Clarke.

 

“Hey little cousin, you were supposed to be here 3 hours ago.” Anya slurred, Raven was holding Anya to keep her from falling on her ass. Not that Raven was in great condition but their homes were within walking distance from the bar so they could make it back without issues.

“I know. I’m sorry I uh, I was busy.” Lexa took several steps forward until she was close to Clarke. “Can I walk you home?”

Clarke frowned, she looked at Anya and Raven who gave her thumbs up.

“Yep, you take Doctor Griffin to her home safely Lex. We don’t want the good doc to have any trouble.” Raven started to walk with Anya to the exit. “We’ll see you tomorrow before you leave Clarke.” Raven and Anya waved and left.

\--------

The two walked in silence for some time along the trail. Clarke was trying to gather her thoughts, to come up with something to say, but she was at a loss of words. She had so much that she needed to say. She would steal glances at Lexa who kept walking not meeting her gaze.

Finally it was Lexa who broke the silence. “I’m going to miss you.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Lexa stopped abruptly in the middle of the sidewalk and finally faced Clarke. “No, not like that. I’m really going to miss you Clarke. Really _really_ miss you.”

Clarke was a bit tipsy, not so smashed that she couldn’t understand, but Lexa didn't make sense to her. Clarke knitted her brows, tilting her head a bit to the side. “I don’t think I get it.”

Lexa scratched her head. “I know I said you didn’t belong here, but that’s crap. This place is never the same without you. I understand that you have a life and responsibilities away, but maybe…” Lexa bit her lip, unsure of her next words. “I was thinking that if there was a reason for you to stay a bit longer. Would you do it?”

Clarke lowered her eyes to the ground.  There was a lot of work waiting for her back home, lots of children expecting to be treated to the best of her capabilities. She had no motive to remain anymore in Polis.

Clarke lifted her gaze and met Lexa’s eyes.

Okay, she had one motive.

“Maybe.”

Lexa nodded. “Fair enough.” She turned around and continued her walk back to Clarke’s place.

 

Under the stars the two women kept their pace for the rest of the way back to Clarke’s home. Once they reached the small path that lead to the front door, Lexa and Clarke stopped.

“So um, here we are.” Clarke commented shyly. She was fidgeting with her hands trying to lessen the awkwardness between them.

“Yes.” Lexa licked her lips looking everywhere but at Clarke. Gathering the courage to say what needed to be said.

“Would you—”

“Can I—”

They said in unison, and giggled at the ridiculousness of their behavior.

“You go first.” Lexa conceded.

Clarke smiled. “I wanted to know if you would like to stay for a bit. Drink something since you missed the farewell party.”

“I would love to.”

 

Lexa was sitting on one side of the couch while Clarke was at the other end, both drinking a glass of wine.

After downing half a bottle between the two, Lexa felt brave enough to speak her mind.

“Clarke.” Lexa began. “I let you go once but I can’t seem to let you go again.”

Clarke re-arranged her sitting position and crossed her legs on top of the couch to be able to look at Lexa more comfortably.

“Because um, we’re friends?”

Lexa shook her head. “Costia came into my life and saved me from my loneliness. She was the reason I could smile everyday. I know we had our problems too. It wasn’t a perfect marriage, but we tried and I loved her very much.” Lexa took a swig of her cup, letting the warmth of the wine run down her throat, its rich flavor filled her belly, warming her insides. “We just had different dreams and goals, we fought all the time because of it. The night she died we had a huge argument and I took the blame and um, I’m scared, Clarke.”

Clarke reached for Lexa, resting her hand over her leg, soothing her with her touch, trying to make her feel at ease.

“I don’t want to make the same mistake with you. This is my home Clarke and your duty to your patients comes first. You don’t need another problem in your life, not when I am so damaged.  But I can’t stop wanting you.”

“Lexa.” Clarke called.

“I want to be with you and I’ll have to work a lot on my health before anything, and maybe one day you can look at me and not feel like you’re managing a nut case from the psychiatric ward.”

“Lexa!”

“I don't want to be friends Clarke, I want you as a woman and I really really need to—

”

Clarke kissed Lexa, crushing her lips with the rambling woman’s. Once Lexa relaxed into the kiss Clarke pulled back. “Lexa, just shut up for one second. Breathe.”

Lexa nodded and breathed in and out, in a slow tempo. Clarke scooted closer and held her hands in hers. “Better?”

“Yes much better, thank you.”

Clarke smiled. “I don’t want to let you go either.”

 

Lexa’s cheeks flushed and she smiled with embarrassment. “I have made peace with Costia.”

Clarke realized that Lexa wasn’t wearing her wedding band anymore, her eyebrows shot up to her forehead. “I’m glad. That’s the first step to moving on.”

“I like you Clarke, like a lot.” Lexa chuckled. “So I just wanted to clear that up before you left again.”

Clarke smiled widely. “I like you too, Lexa. More than friends are supposed to like each other.”

Lexa smiled again, this time with more confidence. “We could never be friends Clarke, you’re too annoying.”

Clarke laughed heartily and leaned on Lexa. “Annoying much?” And she dropped kisses along her jawline.

“Yes. Very.”

Lexa took Clarke’s lips and kissed her deeply. They moved to the bedroom between giggles and laughter where they could be comfortable and in good company.

 

They bumped against the walls in the hall, not wanting to split for one instant. Clarke pushed the door to her bedroom with her hips and closed it blindly. She kept kissing Lexa until the woman’s knees bumped against the edge of the bed, then Clarke crawled on all fours and sat on Lexa’s lap. The kissing resumed as Lexa’s hands gripped her hips and lower back. Clarke started to grind against Lexa, moving her lips over her neck and sucking at the warm skin, feeling the pulse of the woman beating strong and steady in her neck.

Clarke tossed her shirt away and smiled at Lexa’s face of complete desire. The blonde anchored herself on Lexa’s shoulders to deepen the kiss and taking a moment to breathe she asked. “Can I?” Pointing at the closed buttons of Lexa’s shirt.

“Yes.”

Clarke didn’t have to be told twice, she quickly started to remove the shirt button by button revealing tanned skin covered by a black bra. Clarke slid the shirt off Lexa’s shoulders and kissed her collarbones. She laid Lexa gently on the bed to continue her ministrations. Lexa’s body arched against Clarke to let her know that it was okay to take what she wanted. To feast on her body.

Clarke took her time, adjusting to Lexa, tuning into her body and finding a rhythm that suited them both. It was slow at first building the pleasure. The moans and whimpers gave Clarke more to work with, when the blonde moved between the slender legs of the brunette she licked and teased until Lexa couldn’t hold it anymore, until her senses were heightened enough.  Only then did Clarke push inside of the welcoming folds. Lexa was so wet for her and Clarke was delighted. With her tongue she kept working on the drenched folds and pushed her fingers in as Lexa begged for more.

The rhythm was explosive now, bringing an eruption of pleasure and desire until Lexa screamed her name.

Clarke kept working hard until Lexa rode out the last wave of her orgasm.

 

Clarke crawled back on top of the bed to curl around Lexa, whose skin was bathed in sweat, and her smell of sand and ocean mixed with the earthy tones of the woods made Clarke feel warm in the pit of her stomach.  This is what she wanted to smell every single day of her life.

Lexa turned around and once she got her breath back under control she kissed Clarke, giving back with her hands and mouth the same attentions and pleasure that the young surgeon provided moments before.

Clarke closed her eyes and relinquished all control to Lexa, letting her touch, kiss and explore her body for as long as she wanted because this was the last time they were going to be together like this. It reminded Clarke of the summers she spent here and how she always dreaded leaving, away from the ocean, away from the woods, away from her friends. Now she was going back to her life, to her responsibilities in the hospital, back to DC and she was going to leave her. Again.

Clarke knew that they were both saying farewell.

\--------

Lexa gasped and sat on the bed waking up Clarke in the process. Clarke turned on the lamp sitting on the night table beside the bed and sat closer to Lexa who was heaving for air and drenched in sweat. Her eyes looked lost for a second, and Clarke immediately cupped her face.

“Look at me Lexa.” With her thumb she traced softly her cheeks, the small touch bringing Lexa back to reality and away from the dream world. “It was a bad dream. I’m right here.”

Lexa finally saw Clarke and gulped down her nerves. “I’m sorry. I should just go—”

“No! Please stay Lexa. It’s okay.”

Lexa sighed and closed her eyes resting her forehead against Clarke’s. “I’m sorry I’m not sane. You deserve someone better Clarke, you deal with enough shit already.  You don’t need to deal with my issues too.”

“Don’t be sorry, I know this will take time but I’m going to be with you every step of the way, Lex. You’re not alone, you have me.”

“Yes, until you leave me again in...” Lexa took a look at the watch on the night table. “In 5 hours Clarke.” Lexa moved to the edge of the bed. “I should probably go out for a run.”

“Then I’m going with you.” Clarke moved as well and headed to her closet to pick up shorts and a t-shirt.

“Woah, wait a second Clarke. Really, you don’t have to do anything.”

Clarke was already dressing and putting on her shorts, it was still early and the sun was nowhere to be seen, the air was going to be probably cold as the wind from the coast blew towards the woods. “Don’t forget that my job in life is to annoy the hell out of you.”

Lexa faced Clarke and smiled.

And with that the two women went out for a walk entangling their fingers together relaxing in the company of each other to keep the ghosts away.

\--------

Lincoln stashed Clarke’s last bag inside her car. Anya, Raven and Lexa were standing near the car waiting for Clarke to say their goodbyes.

“It was really wonderful having you around again Clarke.” Jackson closed the door of the beach house. “I’ll keep an eye on the place as long as you need.”

Clarke hugged the man and with a smile she replied. “I don’t think it’s going to be that long Jackson. I’ll call you soon while I arrange some stuff at the hospital.”

Jackson nodded with enthusiasm and waved goodbye to the woman before he went back to his place.

Clarke walked to meet next Anya, they hugged and Anya ruffled Clarke’s hair. “You better come back quickly Doctor Griffin. Or else who on earth is going to keep my little cousin in line, eh?”

Clarke smiled and hugged Anya again, leaning on the taller woman. “Keep her safe for me please.” She whispered.

“I will, don't worry Clarke.” Both women pulled away and Anya stepped back. Clarke walked to meet Raven in another warm embrace.

“Gonna miss you Griff.”

“Me too Raven.  Behave okay?”

Raven winked. “Of course Doc, I’m so good. Say hi to Nurse Blake will ya?  She owes me and a Reyes always collects her debts.”

Clarke cackled in laughter. “I’ll let her know Raven. Take care.” Clarke hugged Raven again falling deeply into the embrace. They stepped back so Clarke could meet Lincoln.

“Keep an eye on these idiots, Linc.”

“You got it Clarke. Come back soon or else I’m going to have all the fun here.” The man showed his best smile, white teeth glinting and kissed Clarke’s cheeks.

And finally Clarke walked towards Lexa, the woman had spent all day with her, taking walks on the beach, going into the woods, having sex on the kitchen counter. Basically making up for all the lost time.

Clarke took Lexa’s hands in hers, she smiled at the brunette with some sadness in her eyes. “I am going to miss you Lexa. A lot.”

Lexa offered her a tight lip smile. “I wish that…” Lexa sighed. “I’m going to miss you too Clarke.”

Clarke hugged Lexa, finding comfort in the crook of her neck, dropping tiny kisses on the warm skin that smells of sun and sea. “Call me whenever you need me, I don’t care about the time just call me Lex. I'll be in touch as much as I can too, okay?”

Lexa reluctantly pulled away from the embrace. She nodded and smiled shyly at the young surgeon.

Clarke took a step back but she couldn’t leave without a kiss, so Clarke jumped into Lexa’s arms and kissed her. Lexa snaked her arms around Clarke’s waist and leaned into the kiss. A kiss to remember, to keep them alive while they were away from each other.

When they pulled apart Lexa leaned her forehead in Clarke’s with eyes closed. “Come back to me.” She whispered with pleading eyes.

“I promise I’ll find my way back to you Lexa. Just wait for me. Be strong.” And with that Clarke rushed into her car before she could break down in tears and drove back to DC.

\---------

The constant beep beep beep of the heart rate monitor gave Clarke peace. This is where she felt most comfortable. The operation room was quiet, everybody was into their tasks while Clarke worked her magic. This is what she always wanted to do, be a doctor and help as many people as she could, particularly kids.

“Clamps please.”

Octavia immediately handed over the tool and Clarke kept working in total concentration. She had been working for several hours today, and she was tired.

She wished she could leave the hospital and run on the beach. She missed Polis, but she missed Lexa the most.

They have been talking on the phone every morning before the sun rose, Lexa’s nightmare’s kept her awake as well but she didn’t mind, if Clarke could soothe her in anyway she was going to do that.

“I’m closing.” Finally Clarke announced, Octavia handed the tools for the surgeon to continue her work.

“Have you decided when are you are going to return to Polis?” Octavia asked now that the rest of the surgical procedure was basically a piece of cake for Clarke.

Clarke sighed. “I want to go back but work is intense, so many procedures scheduled in the upcoming weeks and I need lots of prep time.” Clarke finished closing the surgical site. “Good work everyone.” Clarke stepped back from the operating table and went to the washroom followed by Octavia. Clarke washed her hands and removed her scrubs.

Clarke checked her watch. “I’m drained so I’m heading home.”

“Sounds like a plan Clarke, but I know you’re not going to sleep. You’re gonna call your faraway bae.” Octavia giggled.

Clarke joined the laughter coming from her friend. “Yeah.”

“Clarke, it’s been three weeks and you are as miserable as ever. Those phone and vid calls aren’t enough and you know it.”

“True. She needs me O but the kids do too. I have been talking with my mom about a project I think might work for both of us.  But I still haven't found the time to speak with Lexa about it.” Clarke pulled her phone out of her pocket and texted Lexa. The two women arrived at the nurse station.

“Don’t worry Clarke.” Octavia patted her friend's shoulder and headed to finish some paperwork.

 

Clarke went to the surgery board to update her schedule.

“So Clarke, how’s it going?” Finn met Clarke at the board, he took a marker and wrote in one of the empty boxes to fill out his surgery schedule.

“Pretty well, Finn.”

“You’re free Clarke? I’m free too. Maybe we could go out and drink something?” Finn grinned, using his charming smile that had half of the nurses crushing on him.

Clarke smiled politely. “I’m sorry Finn. I’m heading home to rest.”

“Oh come on Clarke. I'll drive you home, no problem Princess.”

“I’m not your princess Finn and no thanks.” Clarke finished writing on the board and turned around but Finn was being annoying.

“Seriously? Clarke that’s a lame excuse. You need good company and—”

“She said no, douchebag. And she already has good company.”

Clarke stopped and turned around, that voice sent sparks to her skin. She saw the green of her eyes, her skin tanned by the merciless Polis sun, standing tall and proud with a smile drawn on her face. “Lexa.”

“Hello Clarke.” Lexa smiled softly.

Clarke pushed past Finn and ran to hug the brunette. Lexa leaned into the embrace inhaling the deep scent of sunflowers and antibiotics. Clarke peppered kisses on Lexa’s cheeks, neck and lips.

“You’re here!”

“Yes. I was in need of a vacation.”

\--------

After spending the rest of the day in her bed, Clarke and Lexa remained cuddling, simply enjoying the presence of each other, basking in the warmth of their skin.

“I can’t believe you’re really here Lex.” Clarke was resting on Lexa’s chest and the beating of her heart was like music to her ears. Strong and steady.

“I missed you.  The last few weeks have been unbearable and I had to see you.” Lexa kissed her head tenderly while caressing her back softly.

“Me too, but work has been intense. The hospital is such a crazy environment.”

“I’ve been really thinking how to make to make this work Clarke. I’m going to sell my beach house and maybe with that money start a business here.”

Clarke pulled from the warmth of Lexa and sat on the bed to look at the brunette. “Lex, you don't have to do that. I don't want you to leave Polis for me. DC is pretty crazy compared with the quiet of the coast.”

“I lost Costia because I was too stubborn to come to DC. I don't want to lose you Clarke.”

“You’re not going to lose me Lexa. I promised I was going to find my way to you and Polis is part of you. So um, I’ve been working on something with my mom.”

Lexa sat up and leaned back on the headboard, giving her full attention to Clarke.

“I’m moving to the beach house. Permanently.” Clarke announced.

Lexa frowned tilting her head. “But, what about the hospital?”

Clarke took Lexa’s hands in hers. “I’ve decided to open a private practice in Polis. My mom is going to help me with the equipment and all the things I need to work there. It’s still in the early stages but Polis was important to my dad too. I can be with both of you there.”

Lexa arched her brows, not trusting her luck. “You’re moving to Polis?”

Clarke grinned and nodded. “And um, I was hoping you would move in with me.”

The brunette smiled, her teeth were showing and she pulled Clarke for a kiss. “I’d love to Clarke.”

________________

The sound of the waves and the seagulls flying over the fishermen boats were as expected at this time of the morning. The quiet walk that Clarke and Lexa took every day on their way to the clinic of the young doctor made every day such a blessing for Lexa.

It took almost four months for the surgeon to have her clinic up and running in the coastal town of Polis. Months filled with patience and longing, where Clarke and Lexa did their best to keep their relationship afloat. When Clarke had to schedule major surgeries she travelled back to DC and then returned back home to her girlfriend. Lexa had expanded her business and opened a small hostel to offer Clarke’s patients a place to stay since the number of people coming to the town had increased thanks to the amazing talents of the doctor.

Lexa smiled just thinking about how blessed she was, and pulled Clarke closer to her, snaking her arm tightly around the blonde’s waist. Clarke had been with her every step of the way in her recovery. Making sure the woman took her pills on time and listening to her when she woke up startled in the middle of the night. Her anger had subsided, and the guilt was lifted from her shoulders thanks to Clarke. Clarke had been her personal miracle and she was extremely grateful.

“Babe. What is it?” Clarke lifted her head from the comfort of Lexa’s neck.

“It’s nothing, I was thinking that I’m happy to be with you.”

“Me too.” Clarke smiled and kissed her cheek.

Lexa stopped and turned to face Clarke holding her closer. “I’m really glad you’re so annoying. You were never going to leave me alone, weren’t you?”

Clarke giggled and kissed the jaw of her girlfriend with content. “Never. I’ll annoy you until my last breath, you grumpy.” Clarke moved in for a hug, resting her chin on top of Lexa’s shoulder. “We wasted so much time Lex. But the world is ours now.”

“Yes, I’m never letting go of your hand Clarke.”

“MOVE AWAY LOVER GIRLS!” Octavia came running like a lightning bolt. Clarke and Lexa split away to let the nurse running away escape from Raven who was a couple of meters behind in a pretty crappy mood.

Clarke laughed. “Here we go again.”

“I am going to kill her!!!” Raven ran past Clarke and Lexa, the mechanic was covered in paint apparently.

Lexa joined the laughter of Clarke. “You sure you two don’t regret moving here?”

Clarke surrounded Lexa’s arms with hers. “Not at all. Octavia has adapted pretty well too, besides, Lincoln has made sure to make her feel at home and Raven, well that’s another story.”

“Better hurry up and open the clinic before our mechanic kills my nurse.” Clarke started to walk again pulling Lexa with her.

Lexa smiled and looking at the ocean she thanked whatever powers allowed Clarke, the girl who came with her parents every summer, to become her savior, to become her second chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with this I conclude this short story. I do hope that this fic was to your liking prompting Anon. And for the rest of you who took some time to read this story thanks a lot for reading my stuff. If you like it make sure to sare it and rec'd it to your friends as well.
> 
> Special thanks to my beta cos-geek-monkey.tumblr.com (please tell her how thristy you are for ch13 of BTS cos she has a LOT to read and fix so she can get her ass into gear with more motivation loool)
> 
> Until next time,
> 
> Tana

**Author's Note:**

> Well this is another story that was prompted by a kind Anon, I really hope this is kind of what you wanted friend, if not, apologies. This is going to be a shorter story, still don't know how many chapters but probably no more than 5, and updates are going to be every Wednesdays until the completion of this fic.  
> As usual drop your comments below or visit my askbox.
> 
> Enjoy,
> 
> Tana
> 
> commanderlexaofthegrounders.tumblr.com


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